Too Lost In You
by b4k4-girl
Summary: After violently ending his relationship with Iruka on the Hokages orders, Kakashi find himself doubting his actions, but has he left it too late? He tries to find out, with disastrous consequences. KakaIru, yaoi, shounen-ai and all the rest
1. Chapter 1: Realization

...THE DISCLAIMER... none of the characters, likenesses or anytning like that belongs to me, i just like naruto and have a think for kakiru fics smiles i dont claim any of the character or their names to be mine and just wrote this for funs sake. now that i have the legal mumbo jumbo over with....

ive read many kakiru fics but not many of them focus on Kakashi in moments of emotional distress. i guess this is because he is supposed to be, after all, emotionless, but i thought it would be interesting too the jounins side of things for a change....

...chapter 1: realisation

a figure lay in a darkened room. Not moviong, barely breathing, the only sounds being the occasional dry cough followed by faint sniffing, and the rustle of the curtains waving in the breeze coming through the open window. The figure stirred as the cold wind stroked his bare arms. He groaned and turned, burying his head in the tangled covers.

"I wish it would all just go away......please, just leave me alone." 

He lay, and he waited. What was he waiting for? Kakashi wasn't sure himself. Maybe he was waiting for the pain to go away. He didnt think that was likely. Maybe he was waiting for...he didnt even want to THINK their name. It seared across his mind like a branding iron. He knew he was waiting for them to come back, like the fool he was. He laughed bitterly and his breath caught as his laughter became a sob. He choked it back and looked around the room. 

There was a memory in every corner, on every surface. He stood and walked around the room. A net shirt left discarded on the chair, hairbands on the dressing table, photos in frames lying either in disarray on the dresser or smashed on the floor. He bent and cleared some broken glass from a photograph, lifting it gingerly as though scared to look at it. He studied the two figures...both smiling, one tall and silver haired, with arms around the smaller brunette in front of him. He traced the outline of the second figure with trembling figures. He couldnt believe how far he had fallen for this person. He fell, he drowned, and now he was lost. 

Lost...he had felt like that for what seemed to be forever, until they had found him... He gripped the picture and stood up, walking over to the chair to the chair in the corner, where the net shirt lay. inside it was a plain t-shirt the wearer had worn underneath. Kakashi couldnt help but smile. Typical, he though. He brought the shirts to his nose, inhaling the scent of sweat, tinged with the fresh flowery soap the wearer always used. His head reeled as he recalled when the shirt was thrown onto the chair, and exactly why it smelled of sweat.... He clutched the clothes and photo to his chest and sat heavily down on the bed. 

"Why?", he whispered into the darkness. 

He smelled them again, buring his face in the soft fabric as it brought back memories of gentle, searching fingers, teasing kisses and hours spent lost in the joy of each other in the velvet shroud of the night. 

"Oh God your smell, and your taste....oh, your face, it plagues me", he choked between the soft whimpers that had replaced the dry, wracking sobs that left him sore and exhausted, longing for the once-sweet respite of sleep. Ahhh, to sleep, perchance to dream....but that was the problem. He didnt want to dream because they only contained the same thoughts that filled his every waking moment. Sometimes it would be different, and he would dream of better days, happy times when he had never had to say what he did and would never have to watch his only love close the door on him. 

Oh yes, its so easy just to close the door... 

But the happiness was short-lived and always followed by the paralysing realisation that he really was alone and would maybe never see that beautiful face smile once more... "Oh your eyes...they were like molten chocolate. I felt like i was drowning in them everytime you looked at me", he moaned as he recalled the soft brown gaze that had smiled at him so tenderly, enveloping his senses with a mere glance. Kakashi clenched his fists and grimaced. You idiot, Kakashi, he thought angrily, you complete and utter idiot. Why did you let your damn pride make you throw away the best thing thats ever happened to you? 

Because you were scared, werent you? 

Scared? Scared of what? 

You know what... 

That i'd be left for someone else? 

Maybe....you're just scared of being hurt. 

Hahaha, no i dont hink so...he's not capable of that. 

How do you know? 

Kakashi shook his head. No, that wasnt it, was it? Was he just scared Iruka would leave him first? No, thats just absurd.... 

Is it? You know youd rather get in there first...save having to show any real emotion in front of him...you dont want to look....

Weak. 

Suddenly it hit Kakashi. It made perfect sense. He just couldnt stand the thought of Iruka ever leaving him, telling him he didnt love him anymore, so hed found it easier just to get out before that happened. His accepting the Hokages mission was just a convenient excuse.....

...TBC...

well, thats the end of my first fanfic. this is the revised version but nothing has been changed from the original except spelling and things like that. constructive criticism is most welcomed, i hope i didnt do too badly......tune in next time for confessions and confusions in Too Lost In You part 2

Toodles!


	2. Chapter 2: Goodbye

...DISCLAIMER... i dont own naruto, i wish i did, kakashixiruka is the best, yadda yadda im a big frog... righty! im sorry its taken me so long, folks, i got writers block this time around. ive been trying desperately to think of a good way for this "incident" to happen but couldnt....but hallelujiah saints be praised i did eventually and here it is!!! nn w00t! and i KNOW i said something about confessions and confusion at the end of the first chapter but HEY i had writers block so when it came back i had to write what was there! SO SUE ME! i had to wax a bit lyrical (haha hark at me! i laugh at my own jokes), but it fits in with the story so, just so you know, italics dont denote thought. ill work out what does and doesnt at some point. until then, READ! READ DAMN YOU!!   
  
...chapter 2: goodbye  
  
_I'm everything you know...  
_  
Kakashis blood began to boil as he thought of the hokages words to him, and was ashamed that he'd actually been weak enough to do as the elder shinobi had told him, rather than just following his head and his heart. "Distractions can prove fatal, Kakashi," the Hokage had warned him. "Please do not accept this mission if you think that any....ties to the village would prevent you carrying it out to the best of your abilities." Kakashi had merely stared at him, not sure what he meant, until the Hogake turned to him with a knowing look in his eye. He paled, horrified that the Hokage knew of his relationship with Iruka. They had always tried to keep things quiet. It wasnt that they were ashamed or embarrased of one another, they just felt it may interfere with how their missions were given out to them, or how irukas students acted towards him, as if some might think that they were less capable shinobis than others just because they both batted for the same team. At the time Kakashi had never thought that Iruka would hinder his performance in a battle, but when he thought about it, he imagined his lovers pale, boyish face lined with tears upon hearing the news of Kakashis death in the course of duty and felt such an intense rage that he wanted to punch the 3rd as hard as he possbily could to punish him for putting him in such an impossible position. Kakashi had always tried to believe that he had no heart to break, and had remained cold and emotionless to the best of his abilities but, after he met Iruka....well, he'd tried not to change, but faced with a personality so loving and gentle....he'd found his icy shell melting despite his best efforts and had let Iruka into his heart and his head, although perhaps a little more than he should have. Still, he remained as detached as he could, never staying the night unless it was his idea, being impassive should they ever meet on the street and only giving Iruka the most perfunctory of compliments just to keep him happy. He had never thought he could give himself completely to the younger ninja so didnt even try, but.... He couldnt pretend that the horrible, nauseating feeling sitting in his stomach and cramping his chest could possibly be anything other than the heart he had thought incapable of loving anything or anyone, was breaking....  
  
_You wonder friend or foe...  
_  
All his life, Kakashi had shyed away from anything that might require him to make an emotional commitment....perhaps that was why he excelled as a shinobi and anbu, always cold and alone with nothing to hold them to any one place or prevent them from carrying out their duty...  
  
Such is the life of the lonely scarecrow....  
  
(flash back) Rain poured down as he made his way home, soaking through his uniform and plastering his silvery hair to his head and neck, but Kakashi wouldnt have noticed if lighting had struck him. His head was awash with possible ways to break it to Iruka that this was it, he was going on a mission he may never reutrn from and his life would have to begin again, Kakashi-free. He opened his mouth a few times to practice but the words wouldnt come. He shook his head, hair flapping wildly, and gritted his teeth. Why do i care? he though to himself. "I dont care about him....i can do this, its like telling naruto hes useless, its hardly a big deal, all in a days work,". Lifting his head, he carried on towards Irukas house, and an uncertain future....  
  
_And still you're faking every word out of your mouth..._  
  
Suddenly he was charged by an unkown foe, and had lashed out with a kunai, catching his assailant in the stomach with the blade and driving it in hard, before he turned around to see Iruka standing before him, white in the face and covered in blood., gripping his abdomen with both hands, face etched with disbelief.  
  
"Ka...Kaka..shi...", he stuttered, holding out his blood-stained hands. Kakashi stared, numb, at the rain dripping in the pools of blood on Irukas hands, then looking on as the chunnin slumped to the ground. He knelt down and looked at his former lover with cold indifference in his face.  
  
"Iruka..", he whispered, "I'm sorry.....but it's for the best"  
  
"Wh...what's for the best? What a....re you talk...ing about?", Iruka managed to gasp, clutching his stomach with both hands as hard as his failing strength would let him.  
  
_I don't wanna stay, i'm running away..._  
  
"You'll understand, in time." Kakashi muttered as he turned away and began walking. He couldnt quite believe what he had done. He had sensed Irukas presence, coming behind him with no malicious intent, but spurred on by the task at hand, he had convinced himself that it was the easiest way....no tears, no shouting, over and done with in a second and then he had struck his friend, trying desperately to control his natural killing instinct and not drive the blade as far into the boys stomach as he could, pulling his arm back with all his strenth and begging himself to believe that the salty tears running down his face were just the rain and that he didnt care that the warm liquid flowing over his hands was pouring out of the only person he had ever cared for. He looked down at his blood soaked hands as he walked, not daring to look back at the fallen Iruka lying on the ground, blood mingling with the puddles surrounding him. Kakashi didnt want Iruka to die, but he couldnt risk taking him to the hospital and being asked awkward questions. I dont care! he told himself again. People die all the time, its part of life!  
  
But the person dying isnt often your best friend, is it?  
  
He shook his head to dislodge the thought. He was a means to an end, he thought bitterly. Just a bit of fun. I dont care about him....I...I never did.....  
  
_Dont you hear me when i say...  
  
Goodbye...._

_...................................................................................._

ooooo....whatever will that crazy kakashi do next??? im sorry if its a little disjointed, if you notice anything that doesnt make sense, let me know! im also looking for beta readers if anyones interested! as usual C&C welcome, please dont flame, reviews much appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3: Why

...THE DISCLAIMER.... do you think if i owned naruto id be sitting here, drinking pepsi in a vain attempt to stay awake and get this thing done, writing crappy fan fiction? no? didnt think so....  
THIS IS A RE-WRITE OF CHAPTER 3  
ok, firstly, i have to mention that this chapter and chapter 2 are actually set BEFORE chapter 1.....this may have been obvious to everyone whos read it, but i feel i HAD to mention. when it goes back to when chapter 1 is set, ill mention here. until then, assume its beforehand, ok? secondly, i apologise if theres any continuity errors....im pretty sure theres a few, but i dont know how to fix em so please bear with me! and also, i guess this chapter is fairly AU and most of the characters are OOC but hey its a fanfic, whaddya expect??! and also im sorry if this chapter drags a bit....ive had REALLY bad writers block and it came back, but as a bit of a stream of conciousness...sorry! C&C and R&R welcome, flames will be used to burn the flamers house down, enjoy!!

------------------------  
  
...chapter 3: why

Sitting in a tree under a blanket of stars, Kakashi sighed as he re-read the Hokages most recent message to him. 2 months had passed since he left Iruka and village and he had no idea how his former friend was doing. Despite his best efforts, the Hokage refused to tell Kakashi any news of Iruka at all, save that he was alive and, after a while, out of hospital. He felt a stab of pain in his chest and winced as memories of that night flowed into his minds eye. Iruka, pale and bloodied, lying curled like a child in its mothers arms on the cold wet ground as the rain poured down, his brown eyes full of pain, fear and, above all, disbelief....   
Kakashi shook his head to dislodge this thought and turned back to the letter in his hand. The messages had started out severe and angry, the first assuring him he would be "dealt with" upon his return and branding him a coward. How Tsunade found out what had happened Kakashi wasnt sure, but one piece of information he managed to pry out of her following this was when Iruka was found and taken to hospital, he had partially regained conciousness and in his fevered state had repeated Kakashis name over and over....  
  
[flashback to Iruka in hospital]  
  
"Kakashi....Kakashi...", the semi-concious Iruka murmured as Asuma and the Hokage looked on worriedly. Asuma, who had found Iruka and hardly left his bedside since, put his head in his hands and desperately tried to make sense of the situation. He had been on the night-shift watch duty when he saw the figure in the dark, and hadnt realised who it was until he had grabbed them to carry them to the hospital and as he walked into the light from someones outdoor lantern, the glare illuminated the chuunins pale face, causing Asuma to gasp and run flat out to the hospital then the Hokages palace to inform her of what he had found. The 5th was concerned. Iruka wasnt yet awake enough to explain what ABOUT Kakashi, but after her recent conversation with the jounin, she knew it couldnt be anything good.  
  
"When do you think he'll wake properly, Hokage-sama?" Asuma asked, glancing up at Tsunade from his seat by the bed. "He WILL wake....wont he?"  
"Of course he will Asuma, dont worry. His wound was deep but no major organs were damaged. He was hurt more by being exposed to the cold in his weakened state. He should wake in a few hours but i want to sedate him for a few days once hes woken up to give his body time to recover."  
"But why does he keep repeating Kakashi-sensei's name? Is it something to do with his fever?" he asked, visibly agitated. "It very well could be...im really not sure", Tsunade answered simply. She had a fairly good idea why, although she couldnt be certain, but she WAS certain that no-one but her knew of the relationship between the two ninjas so she chose not to voice her concerns to the man next to her. She had found out completely by accident when patrolling the village one night when she couldnt sleep. Hearing voices, she perched on a nearby telegraph post and watched the scene in the small clearing below unfold....

"Come on, fight back!" Kakashi chuckled as he aimed yet another kick at Irukas head, which he swiftly avoided before running back towards the trees. "NO! I dont even know why you wanted me to spar with you, Kakashi- sensei! I mean, im hardly in your league!" he whined as he jumped into a tree to avoid the silver-haried ones advances. He was confused. What did the infamous Copy-cat ninja want with him, a lowly schoolteacher? Kakashi had been hanging around him a lot recently, always finding some reason to be alone with him. Coming over to borrow books (that one puzzled Iruka the most. He thought Kakashi read nothing other than those ghastly "Icha Icha Paradise" books and Irukas choice of reading material was a far cry from those!), or to invite him for a drink, some ramen and at one point even ice cream! Ice cream! That was something you did with friends, not colleagues you barely knew. Everytime, Iruka would sit almost silent while Kakashi wittered on about anything and everything.  
He had to admit, strange as it was, that he enjoyed Kakashis company and was happy just to sit and look at him as he chatted happily, although he always got a strange fluttering feeling in his stomach whenever he saw Kakashis one eye curve when he smiled. What this feeling was, he didnt know, but it was happening whenever he saw Kakashi now and, he admitted to himself, it wasnt entirely unpleasant.  
  
Kakashi himself had a similar feeling in his stomach when he saw Iruka. It felt like he was carrying a load of excitable squid in his belly, and it made him quite convinced that his face went beetroot red whenever he spoke to the young teacher. The main reason he talked so much when they were together was from sheer nerves, never quite knowing what to say so automatically saying the first thing that popped into his head, (which was nearly always something supremely idiotic!), and always berating himself for talking so much rubbish. Every night he walked home mentally smacking himself on the head for making one silly comment after another and promising himself he would stop asking Iruka out and stop torturing himself. But then, when they next met, Kakashis insides would turn again into squid babies at the sight of those smiling eyes and he would find himself inviting the chuunin out AGAIN! he just couldnt resist...he wasnt sure when it had started, or even HOW, all he knew is he had a burning desire to be close to Iruka as much as possible and that every second he was away from him, his insides tensed up and he constantly felt choked up. Waking up in the middle of the night and having to take many many cold showers to deal with his, uhh......"problem" was seriously starting to get on his nerves, plus he was certain it wasnt normal for him to be dreaming of another guy in this way.  
In saying that though, Kakashi thought as he ran after Iruka, he never actually turned me down....even all those times i turned into a stuttering fool, he always interrupted me with a smile and said "Kakashi, shush. Yes, i'd like to (insert activity here)". He grinned to himself under his mask and chased the younger ninja deeper into the trees. He thought about Irukas question as he ran. Why did he invite him out here? It was a bizarre request, he had to admit, but he hadnt been able to think of any other excuse to get him out here this late at night. He wondered exactly what his own motives were...was it just another ploy to spend time with him, or was he actually going to gasp make his move??? His head swam with the possibilities.....darkness, trees for cover, plus it was late at night so the chances of anyone being around were slim. He pondered this for a few minutes before a sly grin slid across his narrow face. Yeah, he decided. Tonight was the night. Come hell or high water, Iruka would be his. As he ran further into the undergrowth, he tried to stop his legs from buckling under him as a shivver of excitement ran through his body.....  
  
While Kakashi was thinking these devilishly evil thoughts, the object of his desire was blissfully unaware of his plans for him. Instead he was hurtling through the branches at top speed. Iruka had somehow convinced himself that all Kakashis nights out and book-borrowing visits were just efforts to lull him into a false sense of security....Kakashi must be trying to get me back for arguing with him over the chuunin exams, Iruka thought desperately. He might be acting jokey now but once he gets me.....he gritted his teeth and stopped in a tree to catch his breath, looking around him wildly for the silver-haired jounin. He wiped his brow and held his head in his hand. How could he have been so stupid? Over the past few weeks, as Kakashis advances became slightly more....amorous? Was that what he'd call it? Well, whatever it was, he had started to feel a little more friendly towards his colleague. He recalled the times Kakashi had approached him, red in the face and unable to form a coherent sentence, and he hadnt been able to ignore the way his stomach flipped upside down, or the way he subconciously licked his lips whenever Kakashi sneaked his mask down to take a drink or whatever. Iruka had never seen below his mask in all the times they'd been out, Kakashi was far too fast for that, but still....he found himself laying awake at night wondering what was below the rough blue fabric. Soon after he would fall asleep and dream wholy inappropriate dreams which would leave him lying in a wet patch and wondering where his loyalties really lay....  
  
"GHAAAAAAAAA!!!!", Iruka shrieked as he fell out the tree and landed with a bone-jarring thud. Lost in thought, he hadnt noticed Kakashi suddenly appear next to him and was even more shocked when the older shinobi jumped down on top of him, pinning his shoulders to the ground. He gulped and waited for a blow to the body, or a vicious voice warning him not to interfere again. He closed his eyes and braced himself for...... 

something that never came.

After an agonising few moments that felt like an eternity to Iruka, he risked a peek and was shocked to see Kakashi smiling down at him, glee etched into every visible part of his face. "Whats the matter, Iruka-kun?" Kakashi smirked, head on one side. "Too close for comfort?". Irukas eyes widened, at the way Kakashi addressed him....Kun? Since when was he anything other than Iruka-sensei to Kakashi? Irukas head swam as he tried to digest all this information. If Kakashi wasnt trying to beat him up...what WAS he trying to do? Iruka opened his mouth to ask but was cut off as Kakashi shifted his hips, causing them to press against Irukas body and, more importantly, his....there! Iruka tried not to gasp as the fluttering sensation in his belly suddenly flared into a white hot flame and ran down to between his legs and with sheer bewilderment and a certain amount of raw passion, he hurled Kakashi off him and pushed him down on the ground, their hands clasped together above the jounins head. Kakashi merely laughed, gazing up at the bewildered shinobi above him. God, he thought, youre cute when youre confused! He laughed again.  
"Ahahahaha! Well done! Well, youve got me now Iruka....what are you going to do with me?" He said this with a suggestive wink that had Iruka all at once repulsed and aroused. He could feel his hips grind against Kakashis of their own accord and he felt more baffled than ever. He felt as though his head was coming apart at the seams. Below him Kakashi continued to look up at him, those drowsy, mismatched eyes (his forehead protector had gotten "knocked off") boreing right through him. Oh if only you knew what i was thinking, Kakashi-san...and Iruka could tell the smile playing on those lips below that mask was the slow sexy one that had haunted his dreams for weeks on end. Suddenly, his head swimming with a million and one thoughts, he knew there was only one thing he could do...no, WANTED to do.  
  
Gripping Kakashis hands tighter, he put his face down to the older ninjas and gripped his mask with his teeth. Iruka heard Kakashi sigh slightly as his lips grazed his cheeks as he inched the mask further and further down his face until his mouth was exposed. And as the butterflies in his stomach went wild, Iruka slid his head over and pushed his lips against Kakashis.....

"TSUNADE!" The Hokages head flipped up as she snapped out of her reverie, and turned to Asuma who had shouted her name. She was about to reprimand him for speaking to her without using her proper title but stopped, dazed, as she saw him sitting with a bemused expression on his face, pointing towards the bed. She turned blindly and it was a few moments before she realised Irukas eyes were open and looking at her with an amused expression. "Ahhh, Hokage-sama...", he croaked, his throat sore with fever and dehydration, "Nice to see you again!" Tsunade smiled. "Welcome back, Iruka-kun..."  
  
[end flashback]  
  
After a time, the Hokages letters became less angry, more tired and, worst of all, dissapointed. She asked simply that he stop asking about Iruka and to please concentrate on his mission which should after all be his priority. Hahaha, he laughed bitterly to himself. Its her and her priorities that got me here in the first place. Kakashi crumpled the paper as his hands balled into fists. I swear, he thought angrily, when i get back Tsunade will pay....when i get hold of her im gon- "Kakashi!" He snapped back to reality as he heard his squad leader shout. "Come on, we've had a sighting of that missing-nin we've been tailing, we gotta go before we miss him!" Kakashi sighed as he jumped down from the tree. Soon, he thought. Soon....... 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

YAYY! its done! for now....grins evilly  
id like to say thanks to all my "fans" for reviewing and being so kind and encouraging. im glad ive had a good response so far, although i can tell you NOW all that will change next chapter.....sigh such is the life of a warped KakaIru fan.....

[smiles] b4k4-girl: damn ff.net STILL wont let me do symbols....grumble grumble

Kakashi: WHO CARES??! GET ON WITH WRITING!!

b4k4-girl: what if i dont wanna??

Kakashi: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'LL GET! [waves hand threateningly]

b4k4-girl: please....no not that!

Kakashi: YES!! [proceeds to put Iruka plushie in a frilly barbie dress]

b4k4-girl: NOOO YOU KNOW PINK ISNT HIS COLOUR!!! ok ok ill WRITE! geez!!  
[grabs pen and scribbles frantically]

Kakashi: THATS better.......[smiles]


	4. UPDATE: please read this!

UPDATE: this isnt really a chapter, as you can see. Ive written a lemon chapter for any of you that might be interested but its not an integral part of the story, so its not compulsory to read it. it just carries on from the forest scene in the last chapter, which i thought was just too juicy a scene to leave on its own! so the link to it is on my profile for anyone who wants to read it, so go get it if you do, if not just sit tight and wait for the next chapter!  
  
PLEASE LEAVE ANY REVIEWS AND/OR COMMENTS HERE, NOT ON DEVIANTART! I SWEAR ILL HURT YOU IF YOU DO!!  
  
also i apologise to anyone who is mad at me because they thought this update was a new chapter. sowwies!  
  
[b4k4girl] 


	5. Chapter 4: And The Makebelieve ran out

...THE DISCLAIMER... none of the characters, likenesses or anything like that belong to me (wails) AT LAST, the update youve all been waiting for! its been soo hard but i got there in the end. this chapter might seem a little short to you, but this is because its actually part of one chapter that go so long it had to be split into 3 parts, so stay tuned! many thanks to my beta-reader, shi-chan, the lucky devil who knows whats going to happen next (or does she?? O.o) lol. anyway. just read the damn thing and review your little hearts out! ive got a target to reach ya know!

.

...chapter 4: ...and the make-believe ran out 

.

Kakashi swayed slightly in his seat and hiccupped gently. His hand waved as he tried to reach out for the sake bottle, missing it quite a few times. Finally securing it, he raised it to his lips but grimaced as he found it to be empty.  
  
_Damn! I wash suure th'r ws one m're dr'nk in there_.  
  
He thumped the bottle heavily down on the table top, where it rocked slightly before toppling off and landing at his feet with a dull thud. The barman sighed as Kakashi signaled for another bottle. He sidled from behind the bar reluctantly, cursing as he cracked his shin on a chair for the fifth time that night as he strained to keep his eyes averted from Kakashi's unmasked face. Other folk in the village might be curious as to what the mask concealed, but the barman wasn't one of them and so had dimmed the lights in the corner the ninja occupied. Kakashi had abandoned his mask when he realized, after the second - no third - bottle that he was just too drunk to care anymore and so it lay discarded in a small puddle of alcohol, much like Kakashi himself. And so, Hatake Kakashi sat alone, in the dark, drinking his sixth bottle of sake and silently falling apart.  
  
[flashback to earlier that day]  
  
"What the HELL was going through your mind, Kakashi, hmm? Care to explain to me WHY you chose to assault a citizen of our village for absolutely NO apparent reason?" Tsunade slammed both her hands, palms down, on her desk and took a few deep breaths to try and contain her temper while Kakashi stood motionless before her.  
  
She had stood and waited at the village gates as he and his team arrived back from their mission, bloody and beaten. Greeting the others with smiles, she took a firm grip of Kakashi's arm and steered him towards her office. Kakashi had put up no resistance. He knew it would have to be done sooner or later, and now was fine by him.  
  
So now he stood, trembling inside but as emotionless as he could manage on the outside while the blonde Hokage ranted and raved. It was anger that stirred his innards though, not fear of the woman before him. He couldn't help but feel it was her fault that he had acted as he did. Petty, he knew, but somehow he just couldn't admit to himself that it had been HIS entire fault.  
  
"As far as I remember, Hokage-sama, it was your instruction that I sever all connections, and that is what I did."  
  
"You know FINE well that wasn't what I meant, you moron! You could have just explained, you could have let him down gently. What possessed you to attack him?" She stared at him with a mixture of fury and pity. "He's just a boy, Kakashi. He didn't deserve that."  
  
"I - I can't and won't make excuses. I acted cowardly because I knew I couldn't face him. But I will not take full responsibility for my actions. I was put in an impossible position by you and while I would never disrespect you, Hokage-sama, I urge you to put yourself in my shoes."  
  
Tsunade sighed. "I can understand where you're coming from, Kakashi, really I can. But you're right. It's not an excuse. It was still wrong and can't go unpunished. I will however take into account that you were acting on my orders and thus not strip you of your Jounin title, but I am suspending you from all further missions and teaching duties until I say otherwise. I don't think many people trust you anymore, Kakashi."  
  
Kakashi's eyes widened. "People - people know?" he stuttered, aghast.  
  
Tsunade nodded her head gravely. "Unfortunately, yes. Not everyone, but enough. Asuma, Gai and most of your fellow Jounins. Asuma was there when Iruka told me what you did. It was Asuma that found him actually. You might want to avoid him the most! They have been sworn to secrecy, as we decided it wasn't a good idea for the general public to know incase you were run out of town. Iruka is well liked around here, especially by his colleagues and the parents of his charges." She smirked, but there was no humor in her smile. "I can't hide from you the fact that aside from losing all trust in you Kakashi - that more than anything else - I'm disappointed in you. Disappointed that you let your emotions run wild, which as you know is the worst thing a ninja can do. I have, sadly, lost all respect for you. You can go now. I believe you have a lot of explaining to do." She turned her back on him and pressed her fingers onto her eyes. She had a headache starting...this was the last thing she needed.  
  
Kakashi bowed and turned, striding out the room and closing the door quietly behind him. He continued to walk, head high, until he reached the confines of his own apartment, where he sagged against his front door, physically and emotionally exhausted. The Hokage's disappointment burned in his gut. He knew he should consider himself lucky that he got off as lightly as he did, but it was nothing compared to the look of pity in Tsunade's eyes. That was the worst punishment he could have been dealt. _But there's nothing I can do about it now_, he sighed to himself.  
  
Dragging himself upright, he wandered towards the bathroom to clean his aching body. He was desperate to go to Iruka's to try and apologize even though he knew it would be futile but still, he had to try. But for now, he thought it best to clean himself up and try and get his head straight or he would just make matters worse. The sight of Kakashi covered in blood would most likely give Iruka a heart attack on the spot. Stripping off, he eased his long lean body under the warm stream of water and shuddered as it coursed over his broken skin. He stared unseeing at the white porcelain under his feet as little rivers of red ran down his arms and legs into the plughole. His mind went onto autopilot, scrubbing his white skin until it burned pink as he tried desperately to think of what he was going to do, going to say, but his mind was completely blank. _Ah, fuck it. I'll just have to wing it, I suppose._ Face set in a look of grim determination, he stood and turned the water off, getting out the shower and roughly drying his body. No time to waste. Just go do it. _Don't think about it. You'll back out if you think about it too much_. He slung on a clean dark blue sweater and trousers, yanking his mask on but not bothering with his Jounin vest. Somehow, it didn't feel right anymore.  
  
Kakashi arrived at Iruka's door ten minutes later. He glanced in the window, and his heart leapt into his mouth when he saw the Chuunin in the kitchen, engaged in some random act of domesticity with a large, happy smile on his innocent face. That was one thing Kakashi had always loved about Iruka. How simple things seemed to bring him so much pleasure. He took another sad look at his former lover before he slid back to the door and raised a shaking hand to it. His breath came in short sharp gasps as he rapped his knuckles on the hard wood three times.  
  
Kakashi barely got a glimpse of the younger ninjas face, only catching the look of horror that crossed his tanned features before the door was hurriedly pushed shut again. But Kakashi was too quick for Iruka, and had his foot in the door before he had a chance to close it fully. Kakashi put his hand to the door and pushed against it.  
  
"Iruka, please, let me in"  
  
"NO!" Iruka shrieked. "GO AWAY!"  
  
"No, Iruka, please! Let me explain!" Kakashi shoved the door hard and staggered slightly as it gave way, and he heard frantic scrabbling as he peered around the edge into the clean and tidy living room. Iruka had fallen and was now scrambling to his feet and backing towards the wall, his face a mask of terror. Kakashi's heart ached for the younger shinobi,and he cursed himself for being the one to cause his agitation. He started towards Iruka, who yelped and held his hands in front of him.  
  
"P-p-please don't come any closer, Kakashi-sensei. Please, I'm begging you!" His breathing was fast and erratic and although Kakashi was concerned, he HAD to speak his mind.  
  
"Iruka, please, just hear me out. I know you won't be interested in anything I have to say but I beg of you, please just listen! I promise I won't come near you."  
  
Iruka's breathing slowed slightly, but his face didn't lose its rabbit- caught-in-headlights expression as he slowly nodded his head. He gestured with tilt of his head towards the couch at the end on the room.  
  
"Five minutes....you have five minutes then I want you out of my house and out of my life."  
  
Kakashi nodded. Feeling like his intestines had been replaced with lead, he walked slowly to the couch, never taking his eyes off the Chuunin as they sat at opposite ends of the sofa. Kakashi turned to face Iruka, suddenly unable to think of a single word to say except, "I'm sorry."  
  
Iruka just stared at him. "You - you attacked me for no reason! You stabbed me and left me bleeding and all you can say is SORRY?" he shouted incredulously. "You have some nerve! Do you think you can come round here and look at me with puppy-dog eyes and say you're sorry and expect that to be enough?"  
  
"Of course I don't think that! I never said I did! I just - I just don't know what else to say." He tapered off, looking down at the floor. This was exactly what he was expecting. "There just isn't anything else I can say."  
  
He raised his head and stared into Iruka's chocolate-brown eyes, so full of misery and pain. A small single tear leaked out the side and ran down his smooth skin and Kakashi longed to reach out and kiss it away - kiss away all his pain and fear, hold him in his arms forever and never let him be hurt ever again. But Kakashi knew he would never even so much as touch Iruka ever again. A small tremor ran down his spine.  
  
Iruka sighed and wiped his eye. He stared down at a spot on the floor, eyes somewhat unfocused as though he wasn't really seeing, his mind elsewhere. "It was cold - so cold. I felt as though every part of me was slowly slipping away from me, as thought I was being drained. Well, I guess I was in a way!" He laughed bitterly. "I don't know how long I lay there. It could've been hours, might have been minutes. Either way, it was enough to land me in hospital for a few weeks, because the flu I caught being out in the rain made it hard for my body to heal. Asuma barely left my side the whole time. He kept saying he felt guilty because maybe if he'd been there earlier, he could've stopped it." Iruka stopped talking and finally looked up at Kakashi, his eyes shining with tears but a with a strangely bright expression on his face. "But he couldn't have stopped it, could he Kakashi? He would have tried, but then he would've ended up the same as me. Because you wouldn't have cared who got in your way, would you? You wanted me dead and you - " Iruka was cut off as Kakashi leapt to his feet, enraged.  
  
"That is NOT how it was at all, Iruka! How could you even THINK such a thing? I LOVE YOU!"  
  
"WELL, YOU'VE GOT A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT!" Iruka was on his feet now as well, face contorted in anger and confusion. He gritted his teeth and tried to simmer down. "If you loved me, WHY did you -" He sobbed and collapsed back onto the couch, all his energy suddenly spent "Why did you just leave me for dead?"  
  
Kakashi's mouth was dryer than a desert. He knelt down before the Chuunin. "Firstly, it's not 'loved' past-tense. I LOVE you. I still do and always will. But secondly, I did it because I was told to."  
  
This caught Iruka's attention.  
  
"You - you were TOLD to? By who?" he asked, voice incredulous.  
  
"By the Hokage. Well, she didn't tell me to do that exactly, but she - she told me to sever all ties with the village. It was her way of telling me she wanted nothing to distract me from my mission and that was exactly what she saw you as - a distraction."  
  
Iruka's eyes widened. "She knew? How?"  
  
Kakashi let out a small humorless laugh. "Do you remember that first night? That night in the forest?"  
  
Iruka smiled a little and his expression softened. "Yeah - yeah I guess I do."  
  
"Well, she saw us!" Kakashi was glad he had kept his mask on as a slow blush crept along his pale cheeks but he smiled when he saw the same redness flush Iruka's face.  
  
"Oh my god!" the bemused Chuunin mumbled. "I'll never be able to look her in the eye ever again!"  
  
The two men giggled, their heartache momentarily forgotten. But the moment wasn't to last and Iruka turned to Kakashi, his expression again grim and serious.  
  
"Thank you for the apology, Kakashi. But I can't just forget what you did. You've scarred me for life in more ways than one." Dressed in just a lightweight top and trousers, he leaned back and lifted his sweater, exposing his tanned toned midriff and, along with it, a five-inch scar that ran from his navel and along to his right side. "This wound has healed. But it'll take a lot longer for these ones to do the same." He tapped his forehead and stared up at Kakashi sadly.  
  
Kakashi raised his hands to his mouth and gagged. Faced with the consequences of his actions here and now, in the flesh as it were, he felt physically ill.  
  
_Oh my god. I'm a monster_.  
  
"Iruka - oh my god, Iruka I'm so sorry. I'll - I'll - leave you alone now."  
  
And before Iruka could move, before he had even finished his sentence, Kakashi was out the door. Slamming it shut behind him, he strode down the street as fast as he could, the taste of bile rising in his throat. He was a bundle of nerves. He couldn't think straight. He needed a drink, and he needed it fast.  
  
[end flashback, back to the pub]  
  
And that was how Kakashi came to be slumped over a dirty table in a dirty pub, unable to focus on his hand two feet from his face - never mind aiming for the glass - and thus drinking sake from the bottle. A hollow clunk signaled the bottle rim colliding with his teeth. He groaned and moaned into the bottle, "What am I DOING?", his voice echoing dully. He took a slug from the bottle and then gently slumped forward, his head landing on the scarred tabletop with a resounding thunk and the bottle clattering on the flagstone floor as his arm flopped by his side.  
  
The barman hissed between his teeth and started toward the table. _These ninjas! Think they're so tough but they cant handle their drink._ "Come on now, I think you've had qui - " an arm was thrust across his chest, cutting the barman's sentence short.  
  
"Leave him to me," came the smooth voice of the arm's owner.  
  
The barman wheezed and clutched his chest and looked up at the young man then to Kakashi and back to the man again, doubt written on his face. "No offence now kid but you know who that is, don't you? That's Sharingan Kakashi, the man they say - "  
  
"I am well aware of what they say about him. More than aware." The stranger interrupted the barman for the second time. "Now, if you will excuse me, I'll take it from here." The smaller man stooped and slid his arms under Kakashi's armpits, hoisting him and slinging one arm around his shoulder. Weaving his way skillfully through the crowded bar, he hauled Kakashi out into the chilly night air.  
  
Kakashi whimpered as the bitter cold tore through his sweater and had he not been so drunk he would have regretted not wearing his Jounin vest. A frosty gust whipped his face, amplifying his drunken stupor tenfold so he all but collapsed in his helper's arms. Yanking him back to his feet, he pulled Kakashi round to look him in the eye. Kakashi muzzily tried to focus, but all he could see where two soft dark eyes that made him feel as though he was falling - irresistibly falling under his spell. The figure before him ran a finger across the bridge of its well defined nose as though scratching it and then put his hand against Kakashi's blue tinged face.  
  
"You feel so cold. Is there somewhere you'd like me to take you to...warm up?" The air of suggestiveness in the honey-coated voice was unmissable, even to someone as oblivious as Kakashi.  
  
Kakashi swayed slightly on the spot, lifting his arms and wrapping them tightly around the smaller ninjas neck before he fell upon it, savoring the taste of the warm soft flesh beneath his frigid lips. He raised his head slightly a moment later and murmured,  
  
"Take me home."

...TBC...  
  
O.o stay tuned for chapter 5!

-b4k4-


	6. Chapter 5: Heaven In A Tourniquet

...THE DISCLAIMER... none of the characters, likenesses or anything like that belong to me (wails) this is the second part of the afore-mentioned very long, split-into-3 chapter. waaai!

* * *

...chapter 5: heaven in a tourniquetThe door was opened to a darkened room, lit only by the glare from the streetlights outside and the soft silver haze of the moon. As his eyes tried muzzily to focus in the darkness, Kakashi only had a chance to make out a small bed and table and a bookcase stuffed to bursting before the black stillness was broken by a snapping sound and his sudden inability to breathe. His eyes grew wide and fearful as he clawed at his neck, his fingers closing over the hard leather of a narrow belt, much like the one he had round his own waist. A sweet voice trickled into his ear from behind.  
  
"I've heard all about you, Kakashi. Quite the kinky one you seem to be!" He could almost hear the boy grin. "I thought you might like to try out a favorite technique of my own. Do you like it so far? It's called Autoerotic Asphyxiation. Basically it means choking someone while they masturbate, or are masturbated, to achieve a higher level of climax!" The level of perverse joy in the boy's voice was obscene.  
  
Kakashi couldn't have cared less what it meant. He was drunk and couldn't breathe and that was the end of it! Had he been coherent, he could have dealt with this impertinent whelp without a moment's thought, but incapacitated as he was, it was all he could do to keep from falling to his knees and just passing out. He was contemplating how he had never realized what a freak this person was before when he felt a small hot hand slide around his side and undo his own belt, before squirming down inside his underwear.  
  
"Icha Icha Paradise has NOTHING on me."  
  
Kakashi's stomach muscles contracted painfully as his body shied away from the questing fingers. The touch of their skin was akin to a branding iron on Kakashi's over-sensitized body, and under the weight of the alcohol and his own depression, he was powerless to resist as they began to move their hand in slow but steady rhythm. Then it hit him: the combined pressure of every moment of arousal Kakashi had ever felt, all gathered in one unbearable knot in the pit of his stomach. A gasp tried to slip past his lips, coming out in a strangled choking sound that caused Kakashi to splutter and rip at his neck in a frantic attempt to loosen his bindings, and his holder to laugh softly. He cringed as he felt rivers of warm liquid pool on the edge of the belt before they ran down and dripped onto his collarbone. It was unlike anything he had ever experienced, somewhere between extreme pain and the most intense pleasure.  
  
_I know it's wrong, but I - I want it_  
  
He sagged onto his knees, then gagged as he was hauled onto his feet again. Oh god, I'm going to die. I'm seriously going to die. The tightness didn't ease but the hand left his manhood and he felt the figure walk around to his front, swapping the hand holding the belt so it was now in his left hand. His right hand came up to Kakashi's neck, who shook as a finger trailed lightly across his alabaster skin, now stained a vicious scarlet. He raised the finger to Kakashi's eye.  
  
_I need it.  
_  
"Blood of the enemy. Beautiful." A tongue snaked out and lapped the blood from the finger then licked his lips leaving a red tint that had Kakashi both mesmerized and sickened.  
  
_I love it._  
  
The boy giggled and raised his arm slightly, letting the belt loosen enough for Kakashi to grasp it with his fingers and gratefully gulp down fresh oxygen. He panted and stared with bloodshot eyes into the dark embrace of his assailants stare. Sweat dripped off his chin and slid down his neck, the salt burning the fresh wounds and making him wince.  
  
_I hate it._  
  
"Had enough yet?"  
  
The younger ninja lifted Kakashi's sweater and placed his hand flat on the jounin's abdomen, mumbling and smiling as he ran his nails across firm muscles and small raised scars. Without waiting for an answer to his question, his hand plunged downwards at the same instant as the belt was pulled tight again, causing Kakashi to make the most unearthly gargling sounds as his fingers were rammed against his windpipe. His feelings of impending doom intensified.  
  
_I'm never gonna get out of here alive. I'll never see Naruto, or Sasuke or Sakura again. What I'd give right now to have Gai challenge me to one of his stupid contests. If I get away from here I'll let him win as many times as he wants!_  
  
A voice whispered in his ear. "I could end it all for you right here, Kakashi. The pain, the loneliness. It could all be gone in a flick of my wrist. Well, either of my wrists, I should say!" A dirty little laugh made Kakashi grimace. "Just make a deal with me...I only want you to leave the village. That's not that hard is it?"  
  
Kakashi spluttered and stared incredulously at the boys smirking face. He mentally shook his head, trying to get a grip on what he just said. _Did - did he just say leave? NOOOO! THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL AT AAAALL!_ He tried to rearrange his features into an expression of fury and sarcasm all at once. Damn, not being able to talk was becoming a BIG pain in the ass.  
  
"I take it that's a no?" The boy shook his head sadly and looked up at Kakashi, a new expression on his pale countenance. "Ok then, lets put it this way.If you don't leave, I'll finish the job you left half done. Yeeees, I saw what you did to the little schoolteacher and yes, I know all about you and him. And it won't be an easy death. That'd be no fun! Oh, and if that doesn't change your mind, I won't stop there. I'll dispose of your little team one by one. First, that Uchiha brat, then that stupid Naruto. I think I'll save the pretty pink-haired girl till last though." A wide smile slid across his face. "I can think of many, many games I can play with her. The paler the skin, the prettier blood looks when it's flowing gently from the throat."  
  
A red haze covered Kakashi's vision, and he realized that the combination of the pressure on his head from the lack of oxygen then his rage at this piece of garbage's comments had caused the blood vessels in his eyes to burst. There was no space for caring about the state of his health in Kakashi's head anymore though. A burning hate welled inside him, his every nerve and muscle itching to squeeze the life from the figure before him. No pleasure left, only pain.  
  
Agony gripped his chest like a vice as he shakingly lifted his hands and took hold of the smaller ninjas arms, holding them as though about to rip the muscles from the bone. The ingratiating smile just made him angrier.  
  
_I'm going to rip that smile off your face and wear it like a hat as soon as I get out of this, you wait and see you sanctimonious little fucker.  
_  
"Ah! That got your attention didn't it? A promise is a promise Kakashi. I have plans and you being around will just be a nuisance. It's completely up to you, of course. I mean, I assume you will try to kill me as soon as I let go of this belt, and yes I know I could kill you here and now but contrary to what you may think, I really, really don't want you dead."  
  
As the belt tightened around Kakashi's neck, his fingernails dug into the soft flesh of the pale young mans upper arm. A slick voice purred in his ear as the figure before him moved closer.  
  
"Just nod, Kakashi. That's all you have to do. Then we both get what we want."  
  
_I - I don't want to leave! This is my home, where my friends are, I've sworn to give my life to this village and it's people. How can I just leave them? What sort of ninja would I be then?  
  
**But what sort of ninja are you if you stay and endanger your friend's lives?  
**_  
Scalding tears welled in Kakashi's eyes as he assessed the situation. Leave the village, be known as a deserter for the rest of his days but save the lives of those who meant the most to him, or stay and watch them die before him and live with the knowledge that he COULD have saved them. It was a lose-lose situation, he really couldn't win.  
  
A delicate tongue damped Kakashi's neck before soft lips fastened onto his skin. A strangled groan escaped the Jounin's purple-tinged lips as small white teeth grazed his skin. His head couldn't take it any longer. He needed to be released and every aching muscle in his body screamed at him to just give up and let go. His eyes locked with the boy before him as his muscles strained against the hard leather to tip forward a fraction of an inch. The younger ninjas face lit up and he positively giggled with barely- suppressed glee. He smiled.  
  
"Good boy, Kakashi. Well, I'm a man of my word. Time to uphold my end of the bargain." he whispered softly as he ducked down and took Kakashi in his mouth, and sucked hard as he yanked the belt again. Kakashi shook with the pent-up frustration within him, convinced in his addled state that he was about to die. Then, as the darkness came to take him, the floodgates opened, his orgasm bursting out of him. The figure at his knees gagged as his mouth was filled with Kakashi's hot sticky seed and finally released his hold on the belt. Kakashi collapsed to the floor, his eyes bulging as he fought for breath. Stars sparkled in front of his eyes; his chest and throat were on fire and his crotch felt as though it had been kicked repeatedly. He glanced, dazed, up at the shape sliding its lithe body up his and flinched as the soft voice spoke again.  
  
"You're a filthy disgusting pervert, Hatake Kakashi," it said with a slow, sly grin.  
  
Kakashi's voice came out as a hoarse croak.  
  
"And what would that make you, Kabuto?" 


	7. Chapter 6: Another Memory Scarred

...THE DISCLAIMER... none of the characters, likenesses or anything like that belong to me (wails)

this is the third part of the afore-mentioned very long, split into 3 chapter. waaai!

i apologise for how...disjointed the previous chapter was. i sorta contradict myself a few times....eep! i also have to apologise for any mistake towards the end, because i added stuff AFTER it had been betaed (by shi-chan, thankies v.v.v.v much!!! mwah!) so im sorry. oh and make sure u read the A/N at the end.

i also apologise profusely. please dont hit me....

.

...chapter 6: another memory scarred

.

The silver-haired shinobi grinned widely and pushed his lips onto Kakashi's for a second that sent a chill clear through to Kakashi's bones before jumping to his feet and offering a hand to the ninja on the floor. Kakashi narrowed his eyes, wary. Kabuto sighed and rolled his eyes, waving his hand at the Jounin again and raising his well-defined eyebrows. Against his better judgement, Kakashi reached up and took it, but had barely got to his feet before Kabuto pulled him roughly against his body, thrusting his hand into Kakashi's stomach and digging his fingertips into his abdomen. An excruciating burning pain filled Kakashi's body, flowing into his arms and legs. The blood in his veins felt as though it was boiling and he wished he could just rip them out of his very flesh. A hysteric scream filled the room and it was several moments before Kakashi realised it was his own voice. Then, with a strange sucking sensation, Kabuto removed his hand and the feeling left as suddenly as it had came, although he kept a firm hold on Kakashis arm with his left hand. Kakashi clutched at his stomach which now felt curiously empty. He looked down and saw five marks on his skin, like the five points of a star, around his navel. Staring back up at Kabuto, fury creasing his brow, he reached for the kunai holster on his leg. Quicker than a flash Kabuto had his hand around Kakashis thin wrist, pressing his hand backwards with his thumb. Kakashi winced and dropped the knife which fell with metallic clang that sounded painfully loud in the still and silence of the dark space.

"JUST incase you were planning on exacting a little revenge before you left, I've employed another little trick I picked up on my travels. It's similar to the Hyuuga clans ability to block chakra flow, although nowhere near as effective. You will still be able to use your chakra as normal, except on little old me!" He smiled happily as Kakashi grimaced. "It's a special seal I came up with. I've blocked the neural transmitters that send that little "Kill Kill" signal to your limbs. If you were to try to attack me, I do this," he guided Kakashis hands despite the Jounins protests, placing his fingertips against his open right hand palm, "your chakra will cease to flow and instead will just build up inside your body! In short - you would explode. And don't think I wouldnt, Kakashi. I may not want you dead but if you get in my way I really will have no choice." His face fell. "I'm sorry I had to do this Kakashi, I really am. I care about you in my own twisted way...I hope you can understand."

Kakashi jerked out of Kabuto's grip, his expression a mixture of revulsion and horror. Kabuto merely smiled at him and put his hand in his pocket, drawing out a silver object that glimmered in the pale light. The young ninjas face was split by a wide grin that turned Kakashi's stomach. What had he just done?

_Oh god! I have to get out of here..._

He turned shakily to the door and walked slowly across the room. He didn't dare look back at the pale smirking face that simply watched him go as a pair of spectacles were calmly slid up its nose.

_Maybe I should have told him about the drug that was on the spines in that belt....nah, I'm sure he'll find out soon enough!_, Kabuto thought cheekily to himself as he dropped backwards onto the bed, staring at the shapes the moonlight threw upon his roof. The silver light illuminated the boys ghostly palor, heightened momentarily by a red flush on his cheeks and a small smile on his lips, before the blinds were snapped shut and the blackness closed in...

Kakashi stumbled through the night. The drug he was still unaware of coursed through his veins, leaving his thoughts sluggish and slowed. The alchoholic momentum returned to his movements, mud coating his clothes as he ran through yet another puddle. One thing ran through his head, like a scratched record:

_Iruka...have to see Iruka._

His head ached, his throat burned and his muscles screamed for him to stop as he powered onwards towards his goal.

_Iruka...have to see Iruka._

The rain lashed down, plastering his silver hair to his forehead. His sodden clothes clung to his slender frame and left small puddles on the steps of the house he had reached. Instead of knocking, he braced his shoulder against the doorframe and knocked it open with a jab to the lock. The heavy wood swung inwards and slammed on the wall and he stood, dripping, in the living room as the houses' occupier flew down the stairs at an alarming rate, kunai at the ready. He paused when he saw Kakashi standing in an ever-increasing pool of rainwater.

_Iruka._

"Kakashi I -" Lighting fast, Kakashi was on top of the smaller ninja in a second, his finger to his lips and his hand securing his shoulder against the wall of the stairwell.

"Shhh! Please don't say anything." Kakashi purred in Iruka's ear. "Just listen to me."

Iruka's face creased in complete dumbfoundedness. What was this guy on? "Kakashi-sensei, we went through this earlier on today! You promised you would leave me alone if I let you apologize, and I did! So will you PLEASE get out of my house?" But Kakashi didn't move, and the strange, dead look in his eyes told Iruka that Kakashi wasn't quite all there tonight. He gulped down the little ball of fear that had lodged in his throat and tried again. "Ok Kakashi, I - I'll listen to whatever you have to say, but THIS is the last time." But the look remained, changed only by the slight smirk that twitched the corners of his eyes up a fraction of a centimeter. The smell of alcohol on Kakashi's breath made Iruka's head reel. _God he must be about one hundred percent proof! I always hated it when he drank - not that its any of my business now._

"Take me back Iruka, please! I'm lost without you...I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function without you by my side. It's as though I've cut off my right arm. Something's missing and it can't be replaced." Tears began to work their way down Kakashi's cheeks, and small quiet sobs caught on his breath.

The anger boiled in Iruka like a hot spring. Who the HELL did Hatake Kakashi think he was? He had some nerve! He fixed his face into a stern frown and worked his hands between himself and the Jounin and pushed him away slightly. "I'm sorry, Kakashi, but it's just not going to happen. I - I just can't, I couldn't! It's not enough for you to cry. You're drunk...go home and sleep it off. I promise I'll come and speak to you tomorrow, ok?" he said gently. Getting angry with him wouldn't help.

Unfortuntely, this only made the weeping Jounin worse. He began to wail.

"N - no no no, Iruka, you don't understand...I have to have you! I need to have you now!!!" He fell against the Chuunin, his weight pinning him to the wall. He looked up with heavy eyes as his hand wandered towards Irukas' waistband.

_NO!_

Iruka pushed with all his might against Kakashi's chest, shoving him roughly against the opposite wall and dashing back up the stairs. Kakashi staggered for a second, winded, then gave chase. Iruka heard Kakashi's thundering footsteps as he raced into his bedroom, locking the door behind him. He leapt to the other side of the bed and crouched low on the floor, knowing the lock wouldn't hold back the older shinobi for long. He heard a thump and could tell Kakashi had reached the door and thrown himself against it, before raining down pounding blows. As the insistent hammering continued, Iruka prayed feverently that the amount of alcohol in Kakashi's system would slow his senses enough to keep him from breaking in straight away. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the low sweet voice seeping through the door. It still sent shivers down his spine.

When he had opened the door that morning, the terror that gripped him had been unbearable. Images of Kakashi's merciless gaze and the sharp tang of the cold night air swept through his mind. Cold - so cold. The burn of steel penetrating his abdomen, the rain that spattered on his face as he fought to stay awake, and the icy eyes of the person he had truly believed loved him. When Kakashi was standing in his living room he couldn't shake the vision of him standing over him, droplets of blood slipping from his gloved hands onto the ground by the Chuunins' head. Iruka still never took showers, only baths, unable to bear the feeling of the water dripping onto his body.

But against his better judgment he had let the man in, let him sit on his couch and listened as he attempted to apologize. For a split second, when Kakashi had recounted Tsunade's words, he had been tempted, for some inexplicable reason, to just take the Jounin gently by the hand and lead him upstairs. The feeling of the closeness they had once shared washed over him like a warm breeze on a summer's day as he recalled the night he spoke of. But he had come to his senses just in time, disgusted with himself for what he almost did. He shuddered just as Kakashi dealt the door an extra heavy blow. The soft cooing floated into Iruka's ears again.

"Iruka-kun, please come out. I'm not going to hurt you," There was a slight pause. "Again" he then added, almost as an afterthought. "I just want to talk to you. I need you so bad. This life I'm living means nothing without you..." the voice petered out at the end, and a lurch of misery ran through Iruka. That voice. He wished it would shut up. He could feel his stony reserve crumbling as Kakashi's weeping continued.

_**You still want him, don't you?**_

_Of course I do! I don't know why. Even after all he did, I can understand why. It took every ounce of strength in me to turn him away today, but I had to, and I still have to. But I - But I -_

_I still love him._

Finally, the door swung open, the lock ripped from its moorings landing on the floor by Iruka's dresser. Iruka threw himself flat against the wall behind him, trying to cower into the shadows as the tall figure advanced across the room. He could see Kakashi's face bathed in moonlight towering over him, the eerily glazed look still in his eye. He looked sickeningly evil in the strange silver light, the wet lines on his face shining. All traces of Iruka's last thought were erased from his mind and numb terror took hold of his body when he was caught in the sight of two mismatched eyes. He wished the wall would open and swallow him whole as Kakashi stooped to his level and reached out to him, touching his bottom lip with his thumb. Iruka shook more violently at this contact.

Kakashi tilted his head to one side. "Why are you shaking? I'm not going to hurt you. I love you, Iruka." He pulled his thumb down, opening Iruka's unresisting mouth slightly. "Such beautiful lips, always ready and willing." He smirked and Iruka's stomach churned. Another tear slid from Kakashis eye and landed on Iruka's bare leg.

Two hands took hold of his shoulders and slid him away from the wall, onto the carpeted floor, which scratched Iruka's bare arms. The little voice inside screamed at him to resist, to yell and draw attention and escape the situation, but Iruka was paralyzed in the arms of his former lover, and no sound left his lips except a few dry whimpers as Kakashi leaned down closer to his face, sliding his body on top of the chuunin's. Weight pressed down on Iruka's quivering stomach, sore from holding himself as rigid as possible. Kakashi's mouth sank onto his neck just below his earlobe and Iruka's senses fought for supremacy, part of him retching as Kakashi's clammy, alcohol-laden breath caressed his skin. But the other half was in turmoil as it recalled the intense pleasure the jounin's attentions had brought him in the past, the magic those lips once worked on the young shinobis body. No matter what his body felt though, Iruka was nauseated at the thought of the jounin touching him in his current state, drunken and sobbing, and wished like hell it had been the old Kakashi so maybe, just maybe, he would considered putting the past behind him and trying again.

Iruka yelped slightly as Kakashi released his hold on one of his shoulders and slid his hand down his narrow body until he reached the chuunin's boxer shorts, which he had been sleeping in. It was when Kakashi began to tug them down that Iruka finally regained his voice and movement, grasping Kakashi's wrist and trying to halt his actions.

"N - N- No please, Kakashi-sensei! Please, I don't want you to!"

Kakashi ignored Iruka's pleas, shaking off his hand as though it had been a bothersome insect and removing the item of clothing. His hands roughly groped Iruka's body as he then removed his t-shirt. "So beautiful." Kakashi murmured, ignorant to Iruka's whispered begging for him to stop. He leaned up over the chuunin, and gently slid his legs apart. Iruka shot away, the enormity of the situation suddenly sweeping over him, lending him new energy.

_N-n-no, it CAN'T be...it just can't!_

"Kakashi, please! Don't do this to me, I mean, what do you want?!" Iruka shouted as he struggled to get to his feet. He fell heavily onto the floor again, winded, as he felt Kakashi's weight hit him from behind. Now rough hands held him hard against the floor, his face pressing onto the rough carpet. Tears began to fall freely as a soft, sickeningly sweet voice stroked his ear.

"I want you, Iruka-kun. I know you want me too."

Iruka desperately wanted to argue back to the contrary, but the weight of the Jounin on his back prevented him from doing anything but breathing, albeit shallowly. Every muscle in his body tensed as he felt Kakashi ease himself between his legs.

_Oh god, please make him change his mind, please don't let him do this to me, please, please, ple-_

Iruka tried to scream but a gloved hand was clamped over his mouth as Kakashi roughly entered him, tearing him apart inside. Iruka almost wished he had been stabbed again. The agony was so unbearable, as thought he was being ripped in two. Wave after wave of searing heat coursed through his body, and he almost wished he would pass out just to escape. He wept against the rough fabric of Kakashi's glove as he pounded into him, gagging as he listened to the orgasmic little moans that had once turned him on so much. Now, it turned his stomach.

It couldn't have lasted more than two minutes, but to Iruka it felt like two lifetimes. He winced and sobbed as he felt the intrusion disappear, leaving him with a burning ache below. A slick wetness coated his legs, as though he was bleeding, but desperate as he was to check, his limbs were shaking too violently for him to move. He tried to lie as still as possible, terrified that Kakashi might decide he hadn't had enough. His mind was a sea of painful thoughts, a thousand hands ripping apart every good memory of Kakashi he had. He had been violated, he had been penetrated, he had been ...

_Raped._

Iruka gagged as he thought the word. He could feel Kakashi presence lift off his body. He struggled to find his voice. If only -

_If only I had taken him back when I was going to, this would never have happened._

"I - I - I'm sorry."

Kakashi blinked. He looked down at the chuunin on the floor, who had rolled onto his back and was now staring up at him; his brown eyes more like empty sucking voids.

"I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei. I must have done something really bad to you to deserve that...I'm so sorry."

Kakashi's mouth opened and closed, the drug-induced stupor lifting at last. He stared at the naked figure lying curled in the fetal position, and realization dawned. He clapped his hand to his mouth and gagged again, for what was probably the hundredth time that day. But then he realized his glove was wet with Iruka's sweat and tears and he whipped it away again, staring down at his hands as though only recognizing them for the first time. He peered at Iruka through his fingers as he placed them against his eyes, his other hand still clutching the stricken chuunin's clothing.

"What - what did I just do?" he whispered, partly to himself. His eyes shifted slightly as he watched Iruka heave himself against the wall, where he sat slumped. Iruka raised his head and stared at Kakashi with those empty eyes.

Irukas' perception of reality was skewed because of the pain currently coursing through his body. Although the sensible part of him knew it was ridiculous and that Kakashi was just a sick bastard, the small part of him that would never stop loving the jounin no matter what believed undyingly that there must have been something - something he had done to push Kakashi to the limit, to make him snap. It was this part of him that made him say again:

"I'm sorry Kakashi-sensei."

The words pierced Kakashi's heart like a million acupuncture needles. He had never felt so sober in his life. His legs threatened to collapse as he stood up straight and turned around. He lifted his face to the moon and without a backward glance, he hoisted himself onto the windowsill and was gone.

Iruka didn't watch him leave and didn't get off the floor. Instead, he reached with a shaking hand between his legs, and fought back a wave of nausea as his hand came in contact with something damp and sticky. His raised it to his eyes, the pale moonlight illuminating the viscous red liquid, laced with drops of pearly white. Without removing his eyes from the substance on his hand, he reached with his other arm to his uniform lying on the chair by the window, removing a kunai from the pouch on his belt. Placing the cold metal against the smooth tanned skin of his arm, he closed his eyes and vowed, as the steel sliced a thin gash in his arm, he would be the only person to spill his blood from now on...

Kakashi heaved and choked as he jumped over the nearby rooftops, swinging himself finally into his open bedroom window. He landed heavily on the floor. Shaking uncontrollably, he stared down at the item of clothing in his hands before looking around the room through teary eyes. He tossed the shirt onto a chair as he crossed the room, reaching the dresser which held the usual debris of everyday life...loose change, hair bobbles, pens and paper, photographs...

Photographs.

Of Iruka.

With one fluid motion of a slender arm, he sent a flood of objects to the floor, each smashing piece of glass sounding around the room like a death knell. His breath hitched in his throat as he raised his head to see the reflection in the large mirror attached to the dresser. What looked back was not the Hatake Kakashi that had left the house that morning. Kakashi lifted shaking hands to remove his headband before placing them on the cool glass, tracing his own features with long thin fingers...the curve of his chin, the scar that sliced through his left eye, the tracks left by tears that had dried long ago. His eyes widened as he regarded this complete stranger.

_He has my face...he has my eyes...but this isn't me. Not anymore....I left him behind the second I set foot in Irukas house. _

_So who am I now....?_

He stared for a second longer. Suddenly, he seized the mirror's large wooden frame with both hands and jerked his head back, bringing it forward again a second later, colliding with the heavy glass with a sickening crunch. He stood unflinching as silver shards fell like stars around him, glaring at the new reflection he had created. He paid no heed to the thin rivers of red that trickled down his forehead, the length of his nose, across his cheek and down his jaw, where it formed a perfect teardrop before landing silently on the dusty wooden surface. A new Hatake Kakashi looked back at him from the fragments of glass held in place by his forehead. Stained, shattered, imperfect....

_Broken...._

_That's more like it._

Kakashi stood, trembling slightly, glaring into the mosaic of glass for what felt like a lifetime before his hands finally disengaged themselves from the wooden frame. He glanced numbly at the small cracks in the varnished wood as he turned, sweeping the glittering shards to the floor as he moved then lifting his head to stare out the window to the huge silver moon that hung in the sky like the baleful glare of some vengeful god. Lips ruby red with blood parted stickily to utter a single sentence:

"It's not enough for you to cry...."

A small giggle escaped before Kakashi collapsed onto his knees into the pile of broken glass and torn paper on the floor. He sank his hands into the sea of broken glass, a smile crossing his bloodied features as he felt the bite of the glass cutting into his palms. The smile widened into a grin so chillingly manic it would have frozen the toughest of adversaries to the spot. He stared unseeing at the red stains that formed on his gloves as he ripped them and his sweat and rain soaked sweater off before he crawled over to the unmade bed and heaved himself on top of it.

A cold wind blew through the open window....

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-----TBC-----

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A/N - right, first things first. i know certain parts of this sound a bit contrived and also, its pretty much all OC although i didnt mean it to turn out that way, but its an emotional scene so it had to be done. i apologise to anyone who doesnt like this chapters content, but this isnt for you, is it?

now THIS is where things get confusing so PLEASE pay attention! THIS brings us BACK to chapter one. do you understand? every chapter AFTER one is a flashback, and THIS chapter ENDS where one starts. get it? end of flashback! chances are you all knew that already, but some people have been having problems, so i had to mention it somewhere. from now on, the story will be told....emm.....NOT im flashback! (i cant think of the word i mean, because i dont mean the present tense....hmmm) i hope you know what i mean!

either way, i hope you enjoyed this. stay tuned for chapter 7

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	8. Chapter 7: Scattered

im sorry for how long its taken me to update this....stuff has been conspiring against me!!! thanks to shichan for beta-ing this and making it worthy of your attention!

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...chapter 7: scattered

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_**I've got some scattered pictures lying on my bedroom floor...reminds me of the times we shared, makes me wish that you were here but now I seem to have forgotten my purpose in this life. All the nights have been erased - guess I learned from my mistakes...**_

Asuma checked the piece of paper in his hand again and stared up at the top floor of the apartment block before him, shielding his eyes from the early morning sunlight with a gloved hand. He glanced once more at the torn page, lips reading out silently before nodding once, crumpling it into a ball and throwing it angrily onto the ground and striding purposefully toward the dark doorway. Inside he climbed flight upon flight of stairs before he finally reached the top and turned to the left, counting off the door numbers under his breath until he came to his destination: a door, dark blue paint chipped and peeling, with a large jagged crack running down the centre. He stooped and ran his finger over the scarred wood.

"Hmmm.... this crack couldn't be more than a day old. Well, at least that means he's probably in. Not that that's a good thing...." He cracked his knuckles and growled low in his throat, a harsh, primal noise that was reserved for those whom he wished to shuffle loose the mortal coil. He drew a deep breath before rapping sharply on the door.

No answer.

He checked his watch. 6:15 am. Not that early. "He" was normally up and out by now. He knocked again, harder this time.

No answer.

Asuma liked to consider himself a patient man, but the truth was his temper was shorter than a beetles hind leg, and twice as likely to snap under pressure. His lips narrowed into a thin line as he knocked for a third time, his touch now dangerously soft.

No answer.

He slammed his fist onto the door repeatedly, adding to the spiderweb of cracks before grabbing the doorknob and giving it a vicious twist, almost breaking his wrist when the door suddenly swung into the room. He stumbled, thrown off balance, before grabbing the door and using it to pull himself upright. He coughed and glanced left and right, as though checking to see if anyone had witnessed his little "mishap". _Come on Asuma! Don't let this little..._(expletive deleted!)_...get the better of you! Be the better man here!_ He closed his eyes and composed himself before finally venturing further into the dark room.

A shaft of pale sunlight, not yet reaching the furthest corners of the room, illuminated a glittering mass scattered over the wooden floor. Asuma crouched to examine the shimmering sea, a puzzled frown creasing his face when he found it to be tiny fragments of glass, and many different types of glass at that. Most of it seemed to come from the broken picture frames that littered the floor. There were also edges of torn paper amongst the rubble. He reached to pick one up when his finger hovered over a strange mark on the floor. He leaned down for a closer look. A dry reddish-brown pigment stained the floor. He touched it with a shaking finger, before lifting it gingerly to his nose. Yes, the metallic tang of dried blood...it lasts for days. That's what they DON'T tell you in ninja school, kids!

He stood, rubbing his goateed chin, and looked around the room. The rumpled bedclothes, the broken mirror, the furniture upturned. Only one thing came to his mind.

_Someone got here before me! BASTARD! _

Asuma clenched his fists and made to storm out when a faint hiss of cloth moving caught his well-trained ear. He stopped and turned back, eyes narrowing. He stared into the furthest corner of the room. His ears pricked up when he heard the noise again. It was definitley coming from over there. He made to take a step forward but looked down at the ground to make sure he wasn't about to stand on anything unpleasant when he noticed the other mark. Or rather, the marks, plural. His eyes widened as he found the trail they mapped out over the length of the room, running across the floor and over the furniture, spatters here and there on the walls and various articles of clothing. Even the bedclothes had large streaked bloodstains running widthways across them, leading back and to the right, towards a corner.

_What the hell happened here?! It's like some sort of cheap slasher flick! Great, knowing my luck I was beat to it by some kunai-weilding homicidal maniac who didn't even have a reason as good as mine! When I get him I'm gonna - _

He cut himself off in mid thought as he heard the noise again. It was coming from the direction the blood lead in. He took a edgy step forward, carefully moving over the glass and around the assorted items in disarray, following this macabre version of the yellow brick road. He strained to see into the blackness, mouth hanging open in concentration. His jaw fell further when his eyes finally picked out the faint outline of a bare shoulder, a strand of hair, a red eye.

_A RED EYE?_

In the corner of the destroyed room, huddled half-naked and bloody, was Kakashi.

In the blink of an eye, Asuma had vaulted over the bed and was on top of the jounin, eyes blazing in anger. He seized Kakashi around the throat and hauled him upwards before smashing him into the wall. He was quite a few inches taller, so Kakashis sandalled feet were barely scraping the ground.

"I finally found you, you little shit weasel!!" He shouted full volume into Kakashis face, flecks of spittle flying from his mouth. "I've been looking for you since you got back but as usual the great copycat ninja is harder to see than the wind. But HAH! No more! I've got you now! Just you - " He suddenly stopped his tirade and actually looked at Kakashi. His pale face was covered in bloody handprints, and his eyes were glazed and unseeing. His gaze travelled down Kakashis body, which seemed to be covered with a roadmap of angry red scratches and the gentle light from the window just highlighted the tiny fragments of glass embedded in the ninjas hands. Asuma blinked and wiped away the froth that had collected at the corners of his mouth. He shook Kakashi a few times. Nothing. He lowered him to the ground and moved his finger from left to right in front of Kakashis eyes. Nothing. Asuma sighed. No matter what he might want to do to Kakashi, it just wasn't honourable to beat up on an injured person without good cause. Sure, Asuma felt his cause good enough, but he seriously doubted the Hokage would see it that way. He took a step back and rubbed his eyes. Kakashi slumped against the wall again.

"Kakashi." Asuma said eventually. "What happened here?"

Kakashi did not answer. He merely hung his head and stared at the floor. Asuma ground his teeth and tried not to lose his temper."Kakashi, please just answer the question. What happened here?"

This time Kakashi merely shrugged.

Inner Asuma gave a Wakaheiti death cry and beat Kakashi to a bloody pulp. Real Asuma, however, restrained himself. "Okaaay, i'll rephrase the question. Who did this?"

This got slightly more of a reaction. The jounin raised his head and looked at the roof as though searching for the answers there. His dry lips parted.

"Sorry, dickwad, I didn't quite hear that. WHO DID THIS?!"

"...m..."

Asuma snapped. He lunged at Kakashi and grabbed his shoulders, pulling him up to his level.

"WHO DID THIS?!" he roared.

"M - m - me." Kakashi whispered.

Asuma squinted, confused. "What do you mean, YOU did this? It looks like someone took a bomb to this place! Are you SURE someone else who heard of your little 'escapade' didn't get here before me and decide to oh, I don't know, teach you the lesson you damn well deserve!"

Kakashi chuckled feebly, then croaked. "Oh, trust me, Sarutobi-san...no-one could teach me a better lesson than the one I've taught myself."

Asuma smiled at being addressed as 'Sarutobi-san'. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. "Well, I suppose it's at least nice to see that you've learned your place now. Anyway, I didn't come to exchange pleasantries. The Hokage wants to see you."

Kakashi narrowed his eyes. "But you - you said you were looking for me. Surely if the Hokage sent you...."

Asuma waved a hand. "She just didn't want me to know where you lived. She wanted me to find you in the street or something, so I wouldn't be tempted to....thought that if I knew where you lived I might....." He trailed off. They both knew what he would have done had he known exactly where to find Kakashi alone.

"So...how DID you find me?"

Asumas expression hardened. "I think we both know the answer to that."

Kakashis stomach heaved. He would have thrown up if it wasn't for the fact he hadn't eaten in 3 days. Iruka....Iruka had told Asuma where he lived, knowing full well what would happen! Tears pricked his dry, sleep-deprived eyes.

"HEY!" Asuma barked. "Don't you DARE cry over Iruka! He doesn't NEED your tears, or your pity, or ANYTHING from you!"

"When did you see him? At least tell me that!"

Asuma sniffed. "About half an hour ago. I went to his house and found him just leaving. I asked him and I must say, he was most reluctant to give me your address. Seems even after everything, he still wants to protect you...." He grimaced then spat. "He actually told me not to hurt you...I tell you, if it wasn't for the fact you're already half done in, I'd have given you a taste of your own medicine and made sure Iruka was none the wiser." He stepped closer to Kakashi, backing the jounin into the shadows and leaned his head down close to Kakashis face. Kakashi could smell the nicotine on his breath and almost feel the enraged chakra crackling off his limbs.

"But i'll tell you this for nothing Kakashi: one of these days, someone is going to bring you down a peg or two. Might be me, might not. You wont know until it happens. And I can assure you...whoever it is probably wont be as honourable as I am." He gave him one final glare before turning on his heel and striding to the still-open door. Just as he grasped the handle, he heard a small voice.

"A - A - Asuma....?"

"What now?" Asuma barked, without turning around.

"C - could you, maybe...see your way to teaching me another little lesson?"

Asuma stared at Kakashi, whos lips were parted in a small, strained smile. "What, and risk losing my job AND my reputation when you go mouthing off to the Hokage? No thanks, mate!"

"No, no, you misunderstand." Kakashi waved a hand in the air. "I really feel I need this....I promise, I wont tell a soul."

Asumas eyes narrowed. "And why should I help YOU?" he sneered.

Kakashis grin widened a little. "Because you want to kick my ass. That's about it!"

Asuma grinned himself and turned back towards Kakashi, cracking his knuckles as he advanced across the room.

"Well, don't say I didn't warn you..."

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Kakashi blinked and gently raised his hand to his mouth, grimacing as he felt his fingers dampen. His aching muscles screamed as he used the bedclothes to drag himself upright again, placing both hands against the wall until he regained his balance. "Ugh...he didn't have to hit me THAT hard..." He clutched his stomach as he padded slowly and painfully toward the bathroom.

_**Well, you did literally ask for it.**_

_Hmm, well maybe my adrenaline is having a slow day._

He fumbled for the overhead light, finally getting a hold of the long string and giving it as hard a tug as his weak arms would let him. He recoiled slightly as he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror over the sink. _Oh my god, _he thought. _I've seen corpses half-eaten by crows that look better than me right now..._ His once-shining mop of silver hair was now a tangled grey thatch, and the bags under his eyes were almost at his knees, the whites almost completely lost amongst the broken red veins. _I guess not sleeping does that to a guy..._ His gaze travelled down to his lips, which were a slick and shiny crimson. His shaking fingers had just touched the small slit in his top lip when the shaking suddenly travelled from his finger to his hands, from his hands down his arms and before too long it had engulfed his entire body and he stood trembling, eyes wide and staring, as he felt the andrenaline surge through every vein in his body, practically oozing from his pores.

He closed his eyes.

White light flashed inside his eyelids as he put a finger on either side of the cut and pulled gently, the soft pink skin tearing wider and wider and longer and longer until it reached from the tip of his cupid's bow to right under his lip until it curved into his mouth. Kakashi groaned slightly as his tongue tickled the wound, shuddering slightly as the metallic tang of blood scratched his parched mouth. Finally, he opened his eyes and took his his reflection again. A grin curved across his stained face and he rolled his head back against his shoulders and rolled his eyes in his head, purring and giving himself a little shake.

_Mmmm......_

Kakashi gave himself one more shake before began to gently tweezer the grains of glass from his fingers before he turned on the tap and began to wash his face. The Hokage would probably have a heart attack if he turned up looking like he had gone ten rounds with a rather irate buffalo. Tsunade may look like a young woman, but she was still old inside and Kakashi really couldn't handle anything else on his conscience at the moment. He dressed in his usual sweater and trousers (yet again neglecting to don his jounin vest, ) adding the finishing touches with his mask and hitai-ate before grabbing his keys and swinging happily from the window and flipping onto the rooftop, taking a moment to take in the beauty of Konoha bathed in morning sunlight before he began his jog across the rooftops of his neighbours.

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As his leaps and bounds took him ever closer to his meeting with the Hogake, Kakashis heart seemed to sing with an unexplained happiness. He felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from his chest. It made him feel extremely perculiar, the sudden disappearance of the crushing guilt over the way he treated Iruka. Perhaps he felt he had been punished enough, perhaps he had just realised it was time to move on. Perhaps he just didn't care anymore. Either way, he decided not to dwell on it, just in case he ruined this sublime feeling. No point in searching for an answer to a question that was never really asked.

Little did he know his answer was just around the corner.

While Kakashi was being "taught a lesson" by Asuma, Iruka had been sitting in the coffeeshop near the school, mulling over the possible consequences of his actions. He hadn't really wanted to give Asuma Kakashis address. He knew no good would come of it, but he had been brought up to respect his elders and well, there was no denying that Asuma was no spring chicken! So he had handed it over grudgingly, assured the worried shinobi that he was fine and no his stomach wasn't giving him any trouble, and continued his daily routine. Up every morning at 5:30, and washed, dressed and out the door by 6:00, just in time for the first steaming batch of strawberry and white chocolate muffins arriving at the 24-hour coffeeshop that had become his place of worship since he broke his coffee machine in an uncharacteristic fit of anger. His gaze slid to his shirt sleeve for a second before he sharply looked away again. Only he knew what was concealed below the rough navy blue fabric. Iruka hadn't planned it, it just...happened. The machines glass coffeepot lay smashed on the blue tiles of his kitchen floor and as the chuunin bent to pick up the pieces, the strangest feeling had come over him. A sort of...need. A hunger. Irukas hand twitched as he held a large shard up to the light, mesmerized by the way the light played upon its fractured facets. Before he knew what he was doing, he had swept it down onto and across his left forearm in the split second before he threw it into the bin. He stared unflinchingly at the blood oozing from the wound like a beautiful scarlet lily blooming. He didn't really feel much in the way of pain, more just a strange sense of release. As though the flowing blood was carrying all his cares and worries down the drain as he ran his arm under the cold tap. After that, he had wandered in a daze to the hospital to have his arm cleaned and, unfortunately, stitched. Iruka hated stitches. Stitches meant scars and he had never thought himself interesting-looking enough to carry off the scarred look without looking a complete tool. So he sat and fumed silently while the kind nurse tenderly disinfected the cut and dressed it, giving him a gentle warning not to be so clumsy in the future. He had thanked her profusely and made his way home, where he proceeded to take each and every vaguely sharp knife from his kitchen drawer and score long red lines into his skin.

That was 3 days ago, and the reason why his arm was heavily bandaged under his sweater, although he was careful not to allow his blade to stray below the line of his cuff. This was personal and he didn't want anyone else to poke their noses into his business. Tsunade had been insufferable over the past few days, constantly sending one person or another around to see if he was okay, offering him time off work or even a job in her personal office so he wouldn't be under any strain. Couldn't she see she was just making matters worse?! He couldn't let Kakashi get to him forever. He had to be strong. He had coped since his parents died and he would cope now that his heart was, to all intents and purposes, dead along with the remains of his relationship with Kakashi.

He shivered as a snatch of the other nights events flashed before his eyes, snapping out of his dream just in time to stop his mug from hitting the table. He stared down into the muddy brown liquid as though searching for salvation in the dregs. It just sloshed lazily against the side of the cup, offering no answers. Sighing, Iruka put the mug down, dropped a few coins onto the table and dragged himself out the door to continue his journey.

It just so happened that this was the exact second Kakashi spotted him exiting the shop when he was in the middle of an extremely LONG jump, and thanks to being distracted, missed the point where he SHOULD have put his foot down to land, instead nearly breaking his shin as he smashed into the buildings drainpipe and pitching downwards through lines of washing strung between the two buildings. He flailed wildly, desperately trying to grab hold of anything to slow his descent but this, unfortunately, wasn't Kakashis day and his fall only stopped when the ground came up to meet him. He landed flat on his back with a winded "OOMPH!", crushing his eyelids closed as a flame of pain screamed up his spine. He gasped for air and coughed a few times, gingerly testing his limbs to check they were all still functional. Arms...check. Legs...check. Neck...debateable. He screwed his face up and took hold of his jaw, wrenching his head back around with the sickening CRICK of vertebrae mashing together.

_Ugh, GOD that hurt! But....damn! That felt good! It's been a long time since I felt this - alive! _

"Umm...."

Kakashi froze. He knew that "umm". He had heard it many a time, normally in conjunction with phrases like "Is that supposed to go there?" and "Can it really go that way?!?" A pained expression creased his face as he turned his head to the sky and slowly opened one eye.

_Oh, God...._

Kakashi had, as is in accordance with Sod's Law, landed right at the feet of one petrified Umino Iruka.

-----TBC-------------------------

O.o


	9. Chapter 8: Aftermath

...DISCLAIMER... you should know this by now...

i dont like this chapter.

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...chapter 8: aftermath

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"Ummm-" Kakashi's voice echoed Irukas. He watched as the chuunin's face contorted into a variety of expressions. Perplexed to worried, worried to wary, wary to inquisitive and finally, from inquisitive to tiredly resigned. He closed his eyes as he continued walking, taking great care to stand on Kakashi as he went. "Waaargh," Kakashi groaned as Iruka's sandal mashed his internal organs to pulp. He fought back the urge to vomit (it was the fact he would have spewed straight into his mask that finally forced it back down his throat) and wobbled upright, with a small "meep" signaling his askew vertebrae clicking back into place. "Iruka! Wait!"

But, of course, Iruka did not wait. As though Kakashi had never spoken, he continued calmly walking forward. Kakashi jogged after him, every bone screaming in protest. He tried to ignore the bizarre clicking noise his joints were making as he ran, imagining what he would say when he caught up with the chuunin. He was almost certain telling him of the conversation between himself and Kabuto was not the best idea - no doubt it would get back to the silver-haired shinobi and Kakashi was willing to bet his entire Icha Icha Paradise collection that he wouldn't let a silly little thing like a promise stop him from slaughtering the majority of Konoha.

_I suppose all I can do is try to apologize._

_**Oh, and you REALLY think he's going to listen?**_

_He might._

**_You RAPED him. He wont listen to you, he'll kick your head in_**.

_Iruka isn't like that. He'll probably never speak to me again, but he's not the violent type_

**_Does that mean you're the raping type?_**

_Shut the fuck up._

He shook his head to dislodge the sanctimonious voice and looked up. He was drawing level. Oh well, now or never.

"Iruka, please, just let me explain, I - "

Iruka cut him off without even looking at him, or breaking his stride.

"There is nothing you could possibly say that I would want to hear," he spat. Kakashi staggered, reeling from shock at the amount of venom in Iruka's normally cheerful voice. The chuunin turned his head to face him. "Oh, don't look so shocked, Kakashi. What, did you think I was just going to roll over so you could fuck me again? Oh wait! I wouldn't have to!"

A bitter smile twisted his features as he glared at the Jounin. Iruka stopped walking and stared Kakashi in the eye. A week's worth of anger, pain, hatred and fear welled up in his throat as he prepared to vent his fury. Misery poured out of Iruka like the blood from his veins had poured every night since Kakashis "visit". Scalding hot tears stung his eyes, but he was NOT going to cry. Kakashi didn't deserve his tears anymore.

"I wouldn't have to because you would just do it anyway, wouldn't you? Whether I wanted you to or not. Because that's what you're like, Kakashi. You're so high and mighty because you're the infamous Copy Ninja, and everyone is below you. You think you can just take what you want! Well, I may just be a chuunin, but that does NOT make me below you Kakashi, and I will NOT let you take anymore from me. You've taken my security, my sleep and my happiness. Worst of all, you've taken what was left of my heart! That's what hurt the most. I let you into my heart when I KNEW it was a bad idea, and I believed you when you said you loved me, when you love no one and nothing but yourself. I gave you everything, and you gave me nothing but pain. Well, I have ONE thing left Kakashi: my pride. And NOTHING will take that from me."

He raised a hand and pointed with a finger down the alley in the direction of the busy street ahead. "This is the way forward," He jabbed the same finger into Kakashi's chest, knocking him back a few steps, "and you are the way backwards. Well, I chose the way forward. I've left you behind." All through this vicious verbal assault his voice never rose above a deadly whisper. He twisted as though about to walk away, but turned back again. Kakashi flinched. He never though he would be scared of Iruka, but the pure hatred reflected in the chuunin's brown eyes chilled him to the bone. He stood, rooted to the spot as Iruka walked toward him, stumbling as Iruka backed him into the shadow of the wall behind him. The light vanished and he was plunged into darkness, all he could see before him was Iruka standing, leaning in uncomfortably close. Sweat pricked his forehead as the chuunin lifted his head so his mouth was level with Kakashi's ear. Iruka's voice was now soft and sultry. His lips tickled Kakashi's ear as he delivered his final line:

"You broke my heart, Kakashi. Come anywhere near me again and I'll break every bone in your body." He threw the shaken Jounin a smile that didn't reach his eyes before calmly turning and walking away into the sunlight.

Kakashi stood plastered to the wall for a moment, hand clutched to his chest. His heart was hammering so hard, he felt it would burst right out of him.

_See? I told you he wasn't the violent type. But that - that was - oh god, that was terrifying. Who knew Iruka could be so - so vicious?_

Kakashi wasn't used to being scared. It just wasn't something that happened to him. But there was no doubt in his mind that Iruka would snap him like a twig if he ventured too close again. But an unsettling thought lodged itself in Kakashi's gray matter. He realized a familiar feeling was coming over him; a giddy high that turned his insides to mush and caused other parts of his body to - well, become rather alert.

_Oh my god. Iruka just looming over me like that. He was just so forceful; it was scary, but sensual at the same time! All I wanted to do was throw myself at his feet and beg him to beat me black and blue._

_What's happening to me?_

Perhaps it was that night in the forest, where Iruka showed his dominant side for the first time. The way he had forced Kakashi to do what he did, then forced him to be uke. Kakashi shuddered as he remembered this. It had never happened before! But it had been good. Better than ever before, better than he had thought possible. He had enjoyed the physical sensation of the pain tearing him apart, same as earlier in the night he had been rendered speechless by Iruka sinking his teeth into his shoulder, his nails into his back. They all produced the same adrenaline rush as the sight of the blood on his lips that morning, and the sting of the skin of his lips ripping as he pulled it apart.

Realization dawned.

All thanks to the ministrations of an unsuspecting chuunin, Hatake Kakashi had become a masochist.

Unfortunately, Kakashi didn't have time to dwell on this revelation. A shrill female voice screeching "THERE HE IS!!! GET HIM!" will alert even the most preoccupied ninja. He peered out of the shadow just enough to catch a glimpse of his student, Uchiha Sasuke, hurtling up the narrow alley, closely pursued by a group of screaming girls. Kakashi chuckled to himself. It was the same every morning. Hell, Sasuke's morning pursuit was now planned with military precision! They had long ago given up watching his front door, although a few girls were still stationed there, and now placed themselves at strategic positions throughout the town, congregating on rooftops and in trees, only all coming together to form one massive hormonal teenage avalanche once he was forced to take to the main streets. Sasuke may have been the number one rookie in Konoha, but his skills were nothing compared to those of a love-struck teenage girl.

The pounding of feet was growing closer and closer. Kakashi shook his head and laughed once more, before leaning out of the shadow to sweep the child up in his arms before disappearing in a puff of chakra smoke. The Hokage could wait.

----------------------------

"So where were you off to today Sasuke? I thought it was your day off."

The two shinobi reappeared with a poof on top of one of the highest buildings Kakashi could find, the better to delay the mob by about ten minutes. He dropped the startled teenager on the ground and stuck his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels. Sasuke picked himself up and dusted down his black bodysuit before turning to his sensei with the trademark Sasuke Sneer in place. He recognized that Kakashi was his senior and so commanded respect, but that didn't mean he had to be nice to him.

"Hmph, nowhere special." he replied, folding his arms.

Kakashi sighed before smacking him over the head. The kid had become awfully cocky lately and he was in no mood for his posturing today. "I expect a proper answer when I ask you a question, Sasuke. Don't piss me off." He had to stifle a giggle at the sight of the Uchiha sprawled on the mossy tiles. Still just a child after all.

Neither of them noticed the five or six females shinning up the buildings drainpipes.

Sasuke, meanwhile, was rubbing the ever-growing lump on his forehead. He shook away the last of the stars and stood up again. Pouting, he turned his eyes up toward his teacher.

"Well, if you must know, I was - I was...." He trailed off, muttering something under his breath.

"Sorreeeee, Sasuke-kun. I didn't quite catch that!" Kakashi chuckled, teasing. He had heard the boy perfectly well, but this was just too perfect an opportunity to wind him up.

"I SAID I was grrrngnadtwthnrtrrrr," he hissed between clenched teeth. A group of children on an outing roared beneath them. People going to work and market added to the now deafening level of noise. The girls inched higher and higher, crazed expressions on their hungry faces.

"Ahhh, I must be getting old, my ears aren't what they used to be! Say it again, for the sake of an old man!" Kakashi bellowed. The noise below grew louder and louder. The Sasuke-stalkers inched higher and higher, almost at their destination. One lucky girl finally reached the rooftop, her mouth opening for the victory cry just as Sasuke balled his hands into his fists and shouted for all he was worth.

"I SAID I'M GOING ON A DATE WITH NARUTO!!!"

Of course, just as he uttered this sentence, the gaggle of people on the ground below were instantly silenced, every bird in the village stopped singing and even the wind ceased to rustle the fallen leaves, so that every word cascading from his mouth was heard far and wide. His voice echoed around him, into the ears of every person in the vicinity. A dozen or so thumping noises heralded the bodies of the stricken fan girls hitting the ground, with one particularly loud "AIEEEEEEEE" finally breaking the unbearable silence. Sasuke turned slowly, his back now to Kakashi, and found Sakura and Ino standing at the buildings edge. Both were staring, faces paralyzed with shock. Ino's mouth finally moved silently for a moment, but it was Sakura who found her voice first.

"Sa - Sa - Sasuke-kun? You - you - you and Nar - Nar -" she trailed off as her legs wobbled and fell from under her. Unfortunately for Sakura, she toppled backwards, and there wasn't really enough rooftop to break her fall. Her pink hair fanned out around her as she dropped.

Ino came to her senses. "SAKURA, NO!" she dashed forwards to catch her rival.

"You girls really need to find a new hobby."

Ino skidded to a halt as Kakashi reappeared in front of her, Sakura cradled in his arms. "It really isn't fair on anyone anymore. A true shinobi never shows emotions, yet you girls wear your hearts on your sleeves." He put a groggy Sakura back on the ground, where she fell against the blonde girl, who held her up. "I suggest you learn some restraint. Now, if you'll excuse us, Sasuke and I have some talking to do." With that he seized the black-haired boy around the waist and disappeared again, leaving the two stunned females behind, alone on the rooftop, wondering exactly what the hell just happened.

----------------------------

Kakashi landed gracefully in the middle of the lake in the center of the forest, his excellent chakra control allowing him to stand on the surface of the water. As Sasuke wasn't yet as skilled in that department, he still had his arms wrapped around the boy's body under his arms, his back against Kakashi's stomach. He held the raven-haired ninja tightly against him. Although he couldn't see Sasuke's face, he could tell he was grimacing with embarrassment. Well, it isn't every day you announce to the world you're going on a date with someone everyone thinks you hate, and a male someone at that, is it?

"So what did you mean, you're going on a date with Naruto?" Kakashi inquired. Sasuke squirmed in his arms, and Kakashi could see the red blush creeping up his pale neck under his high collar.

"What the hell do you think I meant? I think I made it pretty damn clear!" he growled. _Naruto is gonna kill me! Thank God no one knows where I'm meeting him at least. His life isn't going to be worth living after today!_

"Well, you might have meant that Naruto had a date, and you were going with him because he was too nervous to go on his own, couldn't you?" The tone of Kakashi's voice implied that this was the most obvious thing in the world.

Sasuke cringed. It WAS obvious! But he had just essentially confessed about his relationship, without even trying to make an excuse. It was too late now though. Ino had a HUGE mouth; it'd be all over the village within the hour. Now all the girls would be chasing Naruto down the streets of Konoha, baying for his blood. _Well, maybe this situation isn't completely without its merits_, he thought, rather evilly. He turned his head up towards his teacher. Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

"Do - do you thinks it's wrong?" he asked nervously. He bit his bottom lip and his brow furrowed in worry.

Kakashi tossed the question around his head for a moment. Well, he couldn't truthfully say he thought it was wrong because he swung the exact same way and had, until recently, been involved in a similar relationship. But he also couldn't in all honesty say he thought it was right, mainly because he felt both boys were far too young to be delving into something as confusing as their sexuality. In saying that though, the younger they worked out how they felt, the better. Kakashi wished he had worked out his feelings a few years earlier. It would have made a lot of things a lot easier!

"Are you certain that it's - well, boys that you like?" His heart went out to the child when his handsome face creased into an agonized frown.

"Well, sensei, I really don't know. Naruto told me he liked me, and I said I liked him too, but then he kissed me and I was going to say I didn't mean I liked him in that way but then I wasn't sure because kissing him felt nice. I don't know, sensei! I'm just so confused." he trailed off and looked away, his head sunk into his chest. His face returned to its usual expression of near-permanent boredom. "It doesn't matter anyway. I don't intend on anyone else finding out. If anyone asks we'll make something up."

Kakashi's eyes widened. "Why wouldn't you just be honest with everyone? It's best in the long run, you know that."

"Yeah, but let's face it, we wouldn't be accepted, would we? To be honest, I think we're both a little ashamed."

A nasty thought occurred to Kakashi. _Oh my god! Is this what I did to Iruka? I always said I didn't want to tell anyone. Did Iruka think I was ashamed of him? Of us? I never ever told him I wasn't, because the thought honestly never occurred to me. That isn't right._

_I don't want anyone else to go through that_.

Kakashi crushed Sasuke to his chest, burying his face in the boy's mass of blue-black hair. Sasuke yelped, confused by his teachers sudden and uncharacteristic display of emotion, plus he was pretty sure most of his ribs were now broken. He twisted and wriggled until he was facing Kakashi, his face against the rough blue fabric of the taller ninjas sweatshirt.

"Sasuke, you should NEVER be ashamed of your relationship with Naruto. Never. You can't pick and choose who you care for." He looked down into Sasuke's onyx eyes. "Does Naruto make you happy?" he asked, cocking his head to one side.

"Yes." Sasuke replied without hesitation. "I've been alone for so long, Kakashi-sensei, because I couldn't care about my own brother, I felt I couldn't care about anyone, and if my own brother couldn't love me, then no-one would. But Naruto does care about me, and he makes me happy."

Kakashi hugged the boy tighter, Sasuke wrapping his arms around the jounin's waist. "Then that's all that matters, Sasuke. Not what the rest of the village thinks. No, I don't think it's wrong, but I do think you're both a bit young for a full-blown relationship. But I suppose you're both smart enough to know what you're doing. Whatever makes you happy! Be true to yourself, that's the main thing."

Kakashi wished he had had this conversation a long time ago. Maybe then he would've been strong enough to defy the Hokage and refuse to give up his own happiness for the sake of hers, and then he wouldn't have been put in the situations he had found himself in recently. He looked down again at the black-haired teenager and thought about how different his life would be without him. No Naruto constantly trying to prove himself against the Uchiha heir, no Sakura spending every second trying to impress him. _What is it about you Sasuke? Why do you have this effect on people?_

His heart lurched as Kabuto's smirking face flashed before his eyes. His grip on Sasuke's shoulders tightened as he recalled the fact that his time with these people was now limited. If he didn't think of something soon, he would never see this boy ever again, nor the other members of his team. Or Iruka. A stabbing pain attacked his chest. _I can either leave and have them think I deserted them, ran away from all my responsibilities or I can just stay and sit back and watch them die! _

_Either way, I'm going to lose them all._

A tremor of pain crawled through his abdomen, leaving a nagging ache in the pit of his stomach. _That damn seal. That damn kid! Why did I have to be so weak, so damn needy? Now he's under my skin! What can I do?!_

A sharp dig in his ribs called him back to reality. A muffled voice rattled his ribcage.

"Uhh, sensei, could you let me go please? I can't breath!"

Kakashi had almost forgotten where they were as he relaxed his arms slightly, but he caught himself just in time.

"Are you SURE you want me to let you go Sasuke?" he enquired.

"YES! I'm sure I can stand on my own two feet!"

Sasuke had apparently forgotten where they were also. _Oh well, what the Uchiha wants, the Uchiha gets!_

Kakashi sighed, chuckling softly to himself as he opened his arms wide, grinning at the realization dawning on the boys face just a fraction of a second too late, gazing dreamily into the middle distance as Sasuke spluttered and thrashed in the water at his feet.

---

----------------------------TBC----------------------------

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ok so do you see why i dont like it? not a lot happens, no action, nothing really carrying the story forwards. but it had to be done. i couldnt fit the content of this chapter in anywhere else, which was annoying but trust me, itll pay off in the long run :) there is just soo much to happen in later chapters that its quite hard to keep it all straight. its just because i have all these ideas but its just too early for them to happen, so i need to pad it out a little in the interim. if this is the sort of thing i have to write to make the next few chapters a bit more action-packed, then so be it! so please, dont give up on me because of this one little slip up. i promise the next chapters will push the story forwards and we'll have a bit more action then :)

cheerio!

b4k4 girl


	10. Chapter 9: Pretty When You Cry

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...chapter 9: pretty when you cry

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_It's been two weeks now._

_The pain has settled in, but still it wears me down - wears me out._

_But I'm used to it now. It's more like a thought that I can't put my finger on, or an itch I can't scratch. Tiring, but necessary. _

_All of this is so tiring. This - this - charade I'm forced to act out just to convince people I'm not falling apart. Because I'm not! If I were, I'd be screaming, crying, trying to find solace in something other than this. But I'm not doing any of those things am I? _

**_Yes…_**

_No, I'm not._

_I'm just changing. _

**Changing…?**

_Yeah. Rearranging a few things. If you removed the fragile outer shell of an egg, you'd find a soft, gooey core, wouldn't you? So easily broken, even the softest touch can cause it to crack if you press the right place. Well, I'm just hardening up. Toughening the shell to protect the insides. Keep it safe so no one can touch it or harm it. Safe inside the wall._

_I'm safe inside myself. I can't be found, can't be hurt, and can't be damaged anymore. As long as no one finds me, I'll be fine. I'll just stay here, hidden behind this mask everyone recognizes. As long as my facade doesn't crumble, I'll stay intact._

_But I still can't escape my memories. My thoughts break me. My feelings choke me. Still they tear at my brain day and night. God, I would kill for a good nights sleep. Hell, I'd kill for a BAD nights sleep! Just one small chance to stop dwelling on the past, and maybe I'd start forgetting._

**But you'll never forget. No matter what you do, it'll always be there...**

_No! Don't say that - that's a lie._

_**He'll always be there...**_

_No! Please! I'm begging you! Don't remind me!_

**Always...**

_You'll always be there. All my thoughts are only of you. _

_Hallucinating._

_When darkness falls, there you are, and like an animal you're moving over me. And I'm frozen, broken by you. I can't push you off, I can't defend myself, I can't even scream. Can you still feel me in your arms? Can you feel my body under your body, my hands in your hands? _

_Can you see my blood on those hands?_

_That blood is on my hands now too._

_God, everything is so abused. The little things he puts me through, the trials and tribulations no one ever sees. And I become again another self-ache behind locked doors. I carve your name into my arm and instead of stressed, I lie here charmed. Pull the shades, razor blades, I'm so tragic._

_**And still you can't live without him...**_

_Shut up! You with your filth! Stop trying to pollute my mind!_

**You love him...**

_Lies._

_**I don't think those feelings will ever fade...**_

_And these scars will never fade! The scars he's given me! All over me! I'm tearing away - pieces are falling and I can't seem to make them stay. And it's him that's taking them! Piece by piece, little by little, he's taking me over._

**Admit it...**

_No._

_**Admit it...**_

_No_.

**AD_MIT I_T!**

_OKAY! _

_Can you believe it? After everything, after all the poison come undone, I still ache for him. There's no day, only night, no up, only down, no white, only black, without him. _

_Won't you cure my tragedy? _

_I love you so, but I hate you more. Hehehe, I'm so elastic. _

_But now I'm far from the better days I dreamed of. Now the dream is gone, and my friends just tell me lies._

_I may love you, but I hope you die._

_After you left, I would reach out for you in the depths of the night, only to feel the harsh cruelty of cold, empty sheets, and I would cry and cry until my throat bled, my voice broke and my entire body was dry. My only wish was for you to hold me like a baby that would not go to sleep, curl your arms around me and let me hear you through the heat._

_But now my arms are fed up reaching, and my voice is through with breaking._

**_Oh...?_**

**Is that so...?**

_YES. _

_Yes, I've decided. There's nothing left in me, I can't be saved. I have nothing left to lose. _

**_There are others out there..._**

_Another lover I would abuse. I'll shut off my want if I'm lonely, tear off my genitals if I'm aroused, all just to ensure I'm never a slave to anyone else's affections. It has to be him. The arranger of disorder with his strange yet simple rules. _

**What has to be him?**

_You'll see._

_I would kill for a good nights sleep...._

----------------------------

Iruka moved away from the full-length mirror hung on his bedroom wall and crossed the room to the locked door. Holding his left arm tight against his bare chest, he tried to work the lock with his right hand, but the thick red fluid was slippery and he couldn't get a grip of the handle. He looked around the room frantically as warm liquid oozed down his stomach. His eyes finally settled on a t-shirt at the foot of his bed and he seized it, wrapping it around his hand. He finally managed to slide the lock back and twist the doorknob, before letting the bloodied garment slip from his grasp onto the polished wooden hall floor as he made his barefooted way to the bathroom.

Leaving the door swinging wide he turned on the overhead light, harsh and over-bright, burning multi-colored circles into his retinas as he slumped against the sink. Small red pools formed on the tiled floor as he fought with the cold tap. Gusts of chilled air stroked his bare skin as the water eventually gushed out. As soon as the large ceramic sink was full of cold water, Iruka plunged his face into it, his bangs floating on the glassy surface. He then placed both hands in the water, thin streams of red snaking under the surface to dye it a vicious scarlet, pushing the frigid liquid over his head, soaking his hair and shoulders and sloshing onto the floor. The red drips became pink smears on the white tiles.

Iruka stood like that for a minute or so more. Suddenly his head jerked up and he gasped for air, lungs burning and skin scorched pink by the freezing water. Orange-streaked drips slid from the ends of his chestnut brown hair and dropped from the tip of his nose and chin before he rubbed his face hard with a rough towel. Only when he pulled it away from his face and saw the large red stains on the pale blue fabric did he remember why he came to the bathroom in the first place. His eyes moved to his weeping left arm, to the large, twisted gash that ran almost the length of his forearm, starting near his elbow on the top of his arm, curving around and under to end almost at the underside of his wrist.

_Oh yeah. I'm bleeding._

_Quite badly, it would seem._

_Shit._

Iruka's head suddenly felt light. How long had he been bleeding for? He yanked the plug out of its hole and began to refill the sink as he fought to recall the events of earlier that night. How long had he been standing in front of the mirror? For all he knew, it could have been ten minutes or an hour, or two hours. Time didn't exist when he was with them. Sleepless nights aren't good for a damaged mind, and when the voices started, Iruka's grip on reality slipped a little bit more. Time didn't seem to matter anymore when he was lost in conversation with himself. As a result, he relied on simple guesswork to tell him when it was time to get ready for work, and he was only sure of the exact time of day when he was at the academy. He had to admit to himself he was a most excellent actor, always happy and smiling, the same old Iruka everyone knew and loved.

But when he came home again he fell into another abyss of uncertainty, when darkness fell and all that was left was the stars and the blade, his only comfort. Hour after hour he would sit, carving the most exquisite patterns of coils and curls into his very flesh, watching his troubles wash away. Eventually, exhausted, his body would shut down and he would fall into a fitful sleep, but he was just as haunted in his dreams as when he was awake, and nightmares woke him after no more than a few minutes, drenched in sweat and too terrified to close his eyes again. So instead he would turn to his constant companions, two impish voices that had echoed in his head since he was a child, their beginnings as imaginary playmates for the orphaned Iruka. They became his only friends, his respite from the agonizing loneliness that ate him up inside. As he grew older and met new people, new friends, they vanished into the dark corners of his subconscious, only rising to the surface during times of extreme emotional distress. But now they were a constant, bickering, and poisonous presence. Two extremely different people lacking bodies or names, but nevertheless just as real to Iruka as the people on the streets he met everyday.

Iruka's hand trembled as he pushed the towel under the surface of the water, soaking it before placing it against the tender, aching wound on his arm. Hissing against the sting, he sat down heavily on the cold floor and tilted his head back so he was staring at the ceiling. He narrowed his eyes against the glare of the light.

_What am I doing?_

_I need something else. Something more than this. It's sick. I'M sick._

_I'm sick of the Hokage treating me like some kind of invalid. _

_I'm sick of people only seeing me as Iruka the Schoolteacher. _

_I'm sick of having to be the cheerful one, the person who's always there when people need a shoulder to cry on._

_I'm sick of being a chuunin._

_I'm sick of being inferior to him…_

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JOOOOOOOY!!! b4k4chan has returned!! well, after a LOT of hassle and a new HDD, i managed to recover this chapter from my mates computer, which was as always betaed by the lovely shi-chan (ma luffs ya!) and with any luck this spells the end of this little dry period ive been going through.

ok time for the truth now...i dont REALLY like this chapter. its very...mopey-goth type, extremely angsty, sounds like i stole it offa nu-metal band. or so ive been told! i have to admit, i had so much trouble writing it ive had to take a lot of inspiration from the music i listen to. i like the way ive written irukas paranoia and things like that, but i have to admit the dialogue and basic idea of the chapter is a little contrived. as always, i beg for your reviews so i know where im going wrong and right!!

anyway, until next time my pretties! xo


	11. Chapter 10: Animal Farm

...DISCLAIMER... you should know this by now...

ihave a feeling this chapter is going to get me into a lot of trouble. Im sorry its so long...i tried to cut it down, but it just didnt work! its also a little disjointed...ill probably go back and fix it up at a later date, but its been so long since i updated i felt i just HAD to get it up now! it hasnt even been betaed! sorry!

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...chapter 10:Animal farm

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It was deep in the middle of the night in Konoha, the kind of night when the sky looked like a sheet of velvet; fat, rolling, coal-black storm clouds obliterating the moon and stars. Deep roars of thunder rumbled through the darkness, but the residents of Konoha slept peacefully on, undisturbed by the racket outside.

Well, except for one resident...

Kakashi sat hunched on his bed, fingers pressed against his temples, face set in a grimace. He turned his head slowly to the right, as though scared of what he might see, to look at the time on the digital clock at his bedside. The red numbers screamed "4:30AM" into the darkness. Kakashi let out a long, low groan and slumped onto his side, burying his head in a pillow and ramming another over his ears in an attempt to drown out the noise, or perhaps suffocate himself. It really was hard to tell.

"One more hour...just ONE more damn hour!" he grumbled into the pillow, gnawing on the squashy soft furnishing in sheer frustration. He'd been trying to get to sleep for hours, but insomnia was his only bedpartner these days, and now with only an hour to go before he had to be up for work, sleep had evaded him yet again. He threw a pillow across the room and rolled onto his back, staring up at his now extremely familiar ceiling. Another peal of thunder echoed around the room, earning itself another curse from the ailing jounin.

_I wish someone would switch off the damn weather..._

But Kakashi knew it wasn't just the thunder that was keeping him awake. 2 months had passed since the last time he had spoken to Iruka, and his mind had been fixated on the Chuunin ever since. He had sought distraction in a number of things, finally convincing the Hokage that he was worthy of working as a Jounin again and regaining his teaching post, although for the moment he still wasn't allowed to participate in A-rank missions. He also spent as much time with Sasuke as possible, finding it easier to help the boy through his problems than to tackle his own. Lord knew the boy needed a friend after the revelation that had left most of the teenage female population of Konoha bed-bound with shock while the ones that got over it a little quicker had decided they were going to make every moment of Naruto's life a living hell!

But all these things only bought him a temporary reprieve, and it was when he lay alone in his bed that he couldn't stop the onslaught of memories that forced his eyes open every time he drifted off. His eyes closed together tightly as he recalled Irukas final words to him...

"_You broke my heart, Kakashi. Come anywhere near me again and I'll break every bone in your body..."_

Kakashi shook his head hard to dislodge the thought, angrily wiping away a tear that had gathered in the corner of his eye and was threatening to trickle down his cheek. _Stop it, Kakashi! _he berated himself mentally. _Crying will NOT bring him back! Face it, it's STILL your fault you lost him, and all the tears in the world can't and wont change that!_

He turned angrily onto his left side, almost screaming out loud when he saw the figure crouched outside his closed window. When his breathing had slowed down a fraction and his heart had retreated back down his throat to his chest, he collected himself enough to strain into the darkness, trying to make out the shapes in the night. He finally managed to pick out a tattered dark-blue cloak that fluttered in the strong wind, but the person had their hood pulled up high so it sat low around their face with their back to the gale, their identity staying obscured by the heavy fabric. A white hand suddenly appeared from the folds of the cloak, making Kakashi jump, and rapped twice on the window pane before lying flat on the wet glass surface, smearing the raindrops.

Kakashi pushed himself up from the bed, and slowly eased himself off it, away from the visitor, with slow and silent footsteps. He backed up until he felt the wooden edge of his dresser, and felt around for a kunai or something to use as a weapon. He knew it was best not to startle the person hunched on the windowsill, as he had no idea if they were friend or foe. His brows furrowed with confusion as he inched forward again, wondering who it could possibly be. Smaller than him, hard to tell their build because the many folds of cloak implied they were wearing lots of layers. The hand on the window was white as snow, but that could easily be because of the cold weather outdoors. He knew his own skin became almost translucent if he didn't wrap up when the water turned to ice. The wrist connected to the hand was thin though, so that easily ruled out a few people he could think of that might want to drop in on him when he was asleep...

The hand tapped the window again just as a sheet of lighting burst across the sky, illuminating for a second the smirking face of the ninja on the sill.

_Oh god no...oh please, no..._

Kakashis eyes widened and his heart and stomach lurched as the light caught the facets of Kabutos glasses.

He pushed his hood back, the weak light from the waning moon, now exposed behind thin frayed clouds, glinting off his wet hair, which was flying around in the air like silver fire. He smiled wider as he rapped again, this time calling softly through the glass.

"Kakashiiiiiiiiiiiiii...open up, I know you're in there!" Kakashi balled his hands into fists as Kabuto chuckled. The laugh brought back memories of the last time he had encountered the medical ninja - the belt, the jutsu, the promise he made... _Open the window? Forget it! You can stay out there until you freeze and your balls fall off for all I care! _He stuck his nose in the air and turned away from the window.

He hadn't gone 3 steps before he was covered in a shower of broken glass. He winced as icicle-like fragments embedded themselves in his bare shoulders, back, and arms, but still did not turn around as he heard the boy step softly, if a little damply, into the room. Instead he spoke to the intruder in a bored, annoyed voice.

"Kabuto." he intoned simply. It was a statement, not a question.

"Kakashi." the younger shinobi replied, a faint hint of humour in his voice. "I bet you can guess why I'm here." Kakashi feigned ignorance, cocking his head from side to side in mock thought. As if he could ever forget _that._ "Hmmm...nope, sorry. I honestly can't think." He felt Kabutos chakra pulse stronger for a second, as though he was annoyed, and permitted himself a small smile. His body stiffened, though, when he felt footsteps coming closer to him, only a few feet away as far as he could tell. He could feel his own chakra bubbling inside him as he longed to wheel round and punch the teenager as hard as he could in the face. Kabuto must have sensed the change in Kakashis energy, as his own built again. Now Kakashi felt as though he was being stabbed in the back with an invisible finger. The energy made the muscles around the bottom of his back tingle and his skin crawl. Kabutos voice had a slightly petulant, wheedling edge to it now when he spoke, as though he hadn't expected to be met with any resistance. The chakra pulsed harder now, and Kakashi felt as though he'd actually be able to _see _it if he stared hard enough. The air around the two ninjas became uncomfortably warm despite the low temperature in the rest of the frigid room. Kakashi could even feel the droplets of sweat begin to trickle down his back. The prickling in his muscles flared as Kabuto stepped forward.

"Awww, Kakashi...I didn't think I was THAT forgettable! And here I thought I'd satisfied you. You've upset me now..." Kakashi felt a thin arm slide around his waist and pulled away sharply, furiously spinning round to face the smaller shinobi.

"Don't you DARE touch me, you disgusting little brat! I know fine well why you're here, but I'm NOT going to pander to your sick little fantasies! You know whatever plan you're hatching is going to fail so why don't you just quit now!" Kakashi spat, watching with a certain amount of vicious glee as Kabuto flinched when tiny flecks of spit hit him on the face. The happiness soon turned to revulsion when Kabuto reached up one thin white finger, collected the droplets of saliva, and slid the wet digit into his mouth, staring up at Kakashi lasciviously while he sucked. Kakashi stared, dumbstruck, while the ninja licked his finger clean and smiled lazily. "I've wanted to taste that for so long, Kakashi-kun...you taste so good. Ever since that night, I've been aching to taste you again, properly this time..." Kakashi opened his mouth to protest, but no sound came out. His lips flapped open and shut like a fish, but he just couldn't put how horrified he was into words.

But the worst thing was, a strange feeling was taking over his mind, like a fluffy grey cloud that obscured his thought process. The heat around the two was becoming stifling, and he couldn't concentrate. The tingle in his back had travelled up his spine and down his legs, every part of him aching. He KNEW he hated Kabuto, that he would do everything he could to stop him from completing whatever devious little plot his vile mind was hatching, but somehow, he felt completely powerless and unable to do anything yet stare numbly into his ebony eyes, into deep black pools that seemed to suck him irresistibly under his spell. Kabuto's voice seemed so very very far away when he spoke.

"You're growing weak, Kakashi. Toxins are flowing through your veins... soon you'll fall asleep and wont remember much about this. I'm surprised you're not already under, though. That was a very powerful sedative I administered! I'll bet you didn't even notice." He smiled a soft smile and stepped closer to the unprotesting ninja and slid a chilly hand down his back. Kakashi was aware of a dull nip in his flesh before Kabutos hand came around, clutching a minuscule syringe. "Glass, needles... one sharp pain is the same as another, isn't it, when you really think about it." But Kakashi wasn't thinking about it. He couldn't. All thought stopped as he quietly slipped away...

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The midday sun shone brightly upon the village, glinting off pools of rainwater left behind by the raging storm. Now the air was still and fragrant, smelling fresh and clean. The sun was not warm, but gave a warm glow to the faces of the people walking through the streets. It spilled through the tattered white curtains of Kakashis bedroom, where it illuminated the white shape lying prostrate on the floor. Kakashi moaned slightly as he opened his eyes slightly, multicoloured circles dancing in his blurry vision as he focused. His head felt heavy and full, as though stuffed with cotton wool. He shook his head muzzily to clear some of the cobwebs and stood up on unsteady legs. Stumbling, the reached for a nearby chair, crying out as his grip slipped and he landed heavily on the floor. Groaning, he looked at his hand. It was slick and shiny red. He frowned as he regarded the sight.

_Blood? But... what was I doing? Why would I have blood on my hand?_

He looked at the chair he had grabbed and noticed the sheen on the polished wooden surface. It was a dull reddish-brown which travelled the length of the backrest of the chair. It also coated the sides and, Kakashi noticed with horror, completely soaked the soft once-cream chair cushion and dripped into puddles on the wooden floor. Agog with horror, Kakashi stood and surveyed the rest of the room.

Reality swam. There was barely a floor to be seen. Blood thickly coated every visible surface. The bed, the table, chair, clothes, everything. The walls were smeared with the paint-like substance. Words and letters were picked out here and there where it had been wiped off, but they were indecipherable. The stench rose thick and cloying, now attacking Kakashis nostrils with renewed fervour. He retched and made his way to the bathroom, landing on his knees as his bare feet lost purchase on the soaked floor. He threw the bathroom door open then promptly turned and threw up into a convenient trash bin by his bedside table. Once he was sure nothing else was going to come up, he turned and, through narrowed, grimacing eyes, viewed the scene with repugnance and horror.

It was like the world had thrown up. Bath, shower stall, sink, even the toilet, stuffed full of dead animals. Birds, dogs, cats, even tiny things like mice and rate, all staring at him through... nothing. Each eye socket stared unseeingly back at the sickened shinobi. He could see without moving from the doorway that each and every animal was slit from throat to stomach, eyes removed, blood drained and now clotting stickily to matted grey and brown fur and feathers, innards glistening pinkly in the bright overhead light like strands of satin ribbon. All around him was the pervasive aroma of death. Kakashi stared numbly at the assorted viscera around him. He couldn't think. It was all just too much. His breathing quickened and white lights flashed behind his eyes as he looked around. He recognised some of these animals. Some were just wild creatures that roamed the forest land surrounding Konoha, others pets of his neighbours. He could even see little Konohamarus pet rabbit, Mr Kakihara, wedged into the toilet bowl between a large mangy-looking dog and some wild birds. His eyes travelled to the mirror over the sink, catching something written in the fluid of some poor defenceless animal.

"THIS IS JUST A WARNING. YOU WILL SEE EVEN IF THEY DON'T"

A warning? A warning... of what? If who didn't see? He walked closer to the mirror, feeling lengths of intestines and organs squishing between his toes and popping damply. First step. Second step. Third step. Stop. He reached out to the mirror, and took hold of the edge, something telling him to open the cabinet it was attached to.

Mistake.

Kakashi fell to the floor as the black tidal wave cascaded over him, bouncing off the bloody heads and rolling around the crimson tiles on the floor. Some exploded as they landed, others bounced before rolling to a stop. Hundreds of tiny dark globes, all different sizes, all staring crazily in different directions. Kakashis own eyes almost fell out his head as he gazed at the eyeballs around him. Some brown, some black, some quite large, some so tiny they barely existed. All belonging to one of the corpses decomposing around him. He stifled a scream as he slid himself backwards along the floor towards the door, feeling his hands crush the orbs, the liquid inside oozing over his fingers, and hearing the tiny pop and hiss they made as they burst. Inarticulate yelps and moans leapt from his throat as he finally turned and crawled on his hands and feet back into the bedroom, stumbling as he slid on bodily matter and effusions in his bid to gain purchase on the seeping surfaces. Finally he slammed the door behind him and curled up against it, rocking back and forth, whimpering madly. His hands tore at his hair and scratched down his face, leaving red and white trails punctuated by tiny flecks of brown and black flesh. _"You will see". _A sob burst out of Kakashis chest and suddenly he was hysterical, eyes wide and manic as he ripped his blood-soaked clothes and flung the liquid dripping from his limbs to the floor. Lightheaded and nauseous and terrified, he threw himself out the window and sprinted across the rooftops, a red and white blur against the orange and blue sky. No one saw him run, no one saw him dive head-first into the lake, no one heard his tormented scream, the shriek of pure insanity that gushed into the air. No one saw the pink-tainted tears that fell into the cool grey water, the ripples that spread out endlessly around his naked body. No one saw him stagger to shore and vanish, head bowed and shoulders slumped, with a puff of grey smoke.

Well, almost no one.

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